WE was sitting around watching daytime television the other day when we noticed that most of the talk show guests was having a terrible time tensing their verbs correctly. ’Tis the season
to learn EnglishNo matter what channel we was watching, we found ourselves facing the same tense situation.
Whew. I gotta stop that. I'm a professional writer. I gotta use good grammar or I'll lose my job.
I know I don't have the best track record in the correct writing department. I'm congenitally, genetically and pathetically handicapped when it comes to the proper use of "its" versus "it's." Its impossible for me at this point to use "it's" correctly.
What's more, I've used "its" so wrong for so long that even my editors don't catch it half the time. Its a shame. In fact, it has gotten so bad that I've thought of copying the Irish guy -- Frank McCourt -- who wrote the book "Angela's Ashes" and simply used the word "'tis." After all, 'tis all the same letters as "its" and "it's" but just mixed up a little. The entire last chapter of McCourt's book was simply the word "'Tis." 'Tis a cool way to end a book, me thinks.
So now that I've publicly disclosed my own shortcomings in the grammar department, 'tis time to move on to today's subject: the dumbing down of America.
To steal a phrase, I think America is rapidly becoming a country divided by a common language. The thankfully failed attempt to officially recognize a patently phony language called "Ebonics" was just a symptom of the growing problem. The problem is that people from every cultural and economic level no longer know how to speak basic proper English.
And it is most obvious on the daily television talk shows and nightly news programs. I'm not talking about skinheads, who, while claiming to be a superior race, cannot even fill out a McDonald's employment application. We know they're idiots. And I'm not talking about the usual parade of trailer-park nitwits and halfwits who dropped out of junior high school to pursue careers in zit production and management.
I'm talking about perfectly normal-looking people who have graduated from legitimate high schools and gotten white-collar jobs who cannot conjugate the verb "be."
A juror on a major criminal case was explaining on a news program how other jurors attempted to force her to vote in a certain way.
"They was bullying me," she said.
My god, how hard is it to say "They WERE bullying me?" They WERE bullying me. If the other jurors had to listen to her mangling the language for more than five minutes, I'm surprised they "wasn't" beating her over the head with chairs.
Look. I don't know how to solve the problem of the homeless or the poor or the hungry. But is it too much to ask that everyone at least memorize the "state of being" verbs.
Here they are: "am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been, may, might, can, could, shall, should, will, would, must, have, has, had, do, does, did."
That's it. Now, practice a little. I am. You are. He, she, it is. I was. We were. I do. He does. See?
The "being" verbs are the basic building blocks of English. When you use those incorrectly, you look dumber than a dirt clod. And when people do it every day on television, it exposes the sad state of education in the richest country in the world.
If everyone in America would just set aside 10 minutes and memorize the "state of being" verbs and how to use them, the country might not be better off, but at least it would sound that way. It's a small thing to ask, isn't it?
'Tis.