I used to hate those sweepstakes notices you get in the mail that blare out in large type, "YOU HAVE WON $833,447!" You already are
a winner! (NOT!)You know it's baloney, but when you see your name in huge type with all those numbers next to it there's a split second there when your heart skips a beat. Then you realize it's just a come-on and you get angry. How can they get away with getting your hopes up like that?
They can do it because the notices never claim that you actually won. The small type in front of the grand pronouncement always says something like, "If you have and return the 12,000 little pieces of paper and stupid stickers and decals enclosed and sign all the dumb documents in time and actually are the winner of the contest, we will be pleased to announce "YOU HAVE WON $833,447!"
I used to hate it. Now I realize that it actually is a really cool way to advertise. Even though it clearly manipulates our pathetic dreams of one day becoming filthy rich without actually having to do any work, it obviously is a clever way to get people to do whatever you want. I decided it might be a good way to get people to read my entire column. Let's give it a try.
I WILL GIVE ANYONE WHO READS THIS COLUMN $445,768! (If pigs grow wings and fly around the United Nations whistling, "Louie, Louie").
Dear Reader, you probably thought it could never happen to you! And even now, you probably STILL find it hard to believe that YOU, DEAR READER, could be a $445,768 CASH PRIZE WINNER!
But it's absolutely true!
YOU ARE POSITIVELY GUARANTEED TO BE AWARDED $445,768 -- the BIGGEST CASH PAYMENT IN HONOLULU LITE HISTORY -- if Madeleine Albright has Yasser Arafat's love child and marries him on the Jerry Springer Show.
You are duly notified that funds totaling the $445,768 prize are under the control of a major American bank and that we are prepared to deliver it to you via certified mail if the polar ice cap melts and drowns everyone attending the International Conference on Global Warming.
So the very next time you hear from us, it could well be to inform you that A BANK CHECK FOR $445,768 IS ON ITS WAY TO YOUR HOUSE!
Put any doubts you have aside. THIS IS FOR REAL!
All we ask is that you copy every name in the Los Angeles phone directory onto separate 3x5 index cards, stick them in separate 8x10 manila envelopes and deliver them by hand to a guy named Fred outside of O.J. Simpson's old house while hopping on one foot and singing the theme song from "The Love Boat."
THE CASH PAYMENT YOU WILL RECEIVE if Stevie Wonder beats John McEnroe in straight sets at Wimbledon's Centre Court DWARFS ALL THE OTHER LUMP-SUM GRAND PRIZE PAYMENTS WE'VE EVER MADE!
Just how much money is it?
Let's say you simply put the entire $445,768 check in a bank certificate of deposit. If you received only 43 percent annual interest on the money, you'd ENJOY A GUARANTEED INCOME OF MORE THAN ONE MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR, if you added at least a million dollars of your own money to the pot.
THE TRUTH IS, if YOU ARE THE WINNER -- which is about as likely as a donkey burping up Spanish doubloons -- YOU WILL FORFEIT THE ENTIRE $445,768 IF YOU FAIL TO RESPOND TO THIS NOTICE.
So be absolutely certain to submit your entry as instructed so that we can announce:
EVERYONE WHO READ THIS COLUMN ALL THE WAY THROUGH IS NOW $445,768 RICHER!