EXACTLY 134 years ago this week, President Abraham Lincoln scribbled a little speech on a scrap of paper and read it at a ceremony converting a Civil War battlefield into a national cemetery. Clinton's grave address at Gettysburg
What a long way we have fallen if it is true that Bill Clinton has been trading space in the country's most hallowed burial ground - Arlington National Cemetery - for campaign donations.
The idea that Clinton would sell space in Arlington is so odious I don't even want to consider it. But I have to. There's stiff competition among columnists when it comes to digging up cemetery scandals.
So, in view of the Arlington allegations, let's try to imagine what it would have been like if Clinton had given the Gettysburg Address:
"Four score and several bimbo eruptions ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal but some are more equal than others. Further, those men who are a little more equal due to high political standing are entitled to dedicate themselves to the proposition of women even though the lying sluts might refuse the proposition and try go public.
"Now we are engaged in a great public relations war, testing whether this nation can long endure or at least get by until the various investigative subcommittees and independent prosecutors stop their mucking around. We meet here on a great battlefield of that war. We dedicate this spot as the final resting place of those who valiantly gave their lives for their country so that the nation might live long and prosper.
"It is altogether fitting and proper - and technically legal - that I tell you that for just a small contribution to the Democratic Party, we can save a little spot here for you, your loved ones and certain pets. Let's face it, not all of us were able to serve nobly in the military. I'm here to tell you that if you joined the Boy Scouts or National Guard or something in order not to actually have to risk your life in battle, well, hey, that's good enough by me. And if you can't afford to give enough to reserve a burial plot, I can arrange for you to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom of the White House. For a few bucks more, Lincoln actually sleeps with you, but a continental breakfast is included.
"In a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground, because, frankly, the federal permit process would take forever. Those brave men who died here have consecrated it mucho plenty as far as I'm concerned. And besides, a lot of those military guys were extremists, so we don't want to go overboard here.
"The world will little note nor long remember what I say here, mainly because I babble about one damn thing or another every day anyway. Besides, I was told this was just a photo op. Not to mention, I could be giving the greatest speech of my life here and the press jerks would just dredge up Whitewater, Chinese fund-raising and other junk anyway. I kind of feel like swiveling those 30-pound carronades toward the television trucks and unleashing a broadside.
"Alas, I digress. Let's see. What were we talking about? Dead extremists. Yes. And so, from these, er, honored dead, we take increased devotion to those rights for which they here gave their lives, namely, the right to remain silent, the right to have an attorney present and the right to know that anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Whoops. Wrong scrap of paper.
"Anyway, thanks for coming. There's some beer and stuff over by that big cannon thingie."