ARE you feeling powerless? Under-appreciated? Just a bit too average? Five bucks will
buy you McSainthoodWell, why not add some zest to your life by becoming an official Lama, Goddess or even a High Priest?
It's easy to win followers and hobnob with deities thanks to the Universal Life Church.
You might remember the Universal Life Church from the 1960s. It's the group that could make you an ordained minister -- complete with the power to conduct weddings, perform exorcisms and just generally have a grand old religious time -- for the cost of a business card or certificate.
The Universal Life Church capitalized on a little known aspect of the U.S. Constitution: All religions are created equal.
That means you don't have to have a cathedral and a bunch of guys running around in big hats to be an official religion. You can be just a guy in a Volkswagen van who thinks you get closer to God by consuming large quantities of Ripple.
The Universal Life Church not only is still around, it's joined the Internet age. And it has expanded its services to become a full-doctrine broker, offering official seats on all types of celestial thronage. I received the official ULC newsletter and I was astounded at the buffet of beatifications available for purchase.
How fast can you become a Friar? You can't imagine!
"You may ordain new ministers at the church's Internet web site (http://ulc.org/ulc/) and the names will be entered into the church's International Database of Ordained Clergy within 24 hours," the newsletter stated.
Here are just a few of the titles available: Bishop, Monsignor, Cardinal, Lama, Guru, Friar, Dervish, Swami, Free Thinker, Ascetic Gnostic, Flying Missionary, Druid, Spiritual Warrior, Wizard, Angel, Seer or Orthodox Monk.
For $20, you can also become a Doctor of Metaphysics or Doctor of Immortality.
But the best deal has to be the $5 "Sainthood Certificate." That's right. For a mere five bucks you can become a saint or bestow sainthood on one of your friends. I don't know why they are making such a big deal out of whether Mother Teresa will or will not become a saint. I could make her a saint by next week.
ACCORDING to the newsletter, the Universal Life Church is the fastest growing church in the world of ministers. Well, duh. At these prices, who's going to compete? This is the McDonald's of religions. And I mean that in a nice way.
Kirby Hensley apparently is the power behind this ecclesiastical empire. It doesn't say what his title is, but it must be a doozy. I mean, he owns the joint. He can don any old majestic monicker he wants. Generally he just refers to himself as "Kirby."
Here's some of his philosophy: "I believe that all life is the same. Some gets educated and some doesn't, some gets in the White House and some doesn't, and a lot of them get into the 'Big House.'"
The message is clear: whether you gets education or not, you can be an ordained something-or-other.
Kirby doesn't steal the spotlight away from his ministers. He publishes long tracts in the newsletter from people like "Michael Ellner, Ph.D, DD" who "was inducted into the International Hypnosis Hall of Fame." I think Dr. Ellner showed a lot of restraint, considering for a few more bucks, he could have been, "Michael Ellner, Christian Apostolic Scribe, Wizard and Flying Missionary."
So check out Kirby's Extremely Holy and Right Reverend web site. With the end of the millennium coming, you can't wear too many religious hats.