REGULAR readers of this column know that one of our long-term projects is to identify and catalog all manner of complete idiots. Everyone’s an idiot
except you and meI think we've done a pretty good job. My files are bursting at the seams with descriptions of idiots, most of them highway-related.
We started off with just a category generally called "driving idiots" but it became so vast that we had to divide it into subcategories, such as "idiots who don't know how to use a freeway on-ramp," "idiots who feel it is their duty to keep anyone from passing them and so they block off highways by going the exact same speed as the car beside them," "idiots who stop on yellow," "idiots who try to use cellular phones while driving even though they are incapable of chewing gum and walking at the same time" ... that particular list of idiots goes on far too long to list here.
There are idiots who talk in movie theaters; idiots who throw litter from their cars; idiots who call during dinner, mispronounce your name and then try to sell you something; idiots who wear baseball caps backward who walk slowly intentionally in front of your car (and who probably will be killed by some idiot driver concentrating on putting a Lawrence Welk CD in his car stereo instead of watching the road); idiots who wear so much cologne you can smell them five minutes before they enter the building; idiots who cook with mayonnaise; idiots who use mayonnaise for any reason; idiots who make mayonnaise (mayonnaise is another category that has lots of subgroups of idiots); and idiots who refuse to return their seat-backs to their full, upright position during landing.
In fact, we have cataloged so many types of idiots, we almost have enough to publish the Honolulu Lite Guide To Idiots (Their Identification, Control and Eradication.)
But I just ran into another type of idiot that we may have neglected in our cataloging efforts: the "post office idiot."
NOW, this is not the same thing as "idiots who work in post offices." We usually hear about those guys after they go ballistic and either begin shooting their fellow workers or send all mail addressed to "Santa" to a lawn mower repair shop in Billings, Mont.
As far as I know, we don't have any idiots who work in post offices in Hawaii. I have been consistently impressed with the level of professionalism, not to say, patience exhibited by our postal workers. Especially when you consider all the "post office idiots" they have to deal with.
Here's an example. I'm standing in line behind a relatively intelligent-looking guy waiting for the next clerk. We wait for maybe five minutes and then he goes up to the counter. Now there's me and about five people waiting in line. Our idiot begins to put a paperback book in an envelope that is clearly too small. He is only NOW beginning to pack his book for mailing! What an idiot! He runs to the envelope rack and gets another package, which is also too small. He rips it open in an attempt to get his book inside. The clerk patiently helps him wrap the book, tape it and address it. Your federal dollars at work: helping some idiot who didn't think of packing his book for mailing BEFORE going to the post office. The clerk was amazingly patient and didn't even suggest to the idiot that the counter was for the actual mailing of letters and packages, not for PREPARING stuff for mailing. The rest of us in line had to wait around while this idiot wrapped, taped and addressed.
It occurred to me that there must be so many "post office idiots" that we may have to begin an entirely new chapter for our guide. If you've run into any who should be included, let me know.