SOMETIMES I think I have the greatest newspaper job in the world and then I happen upon the horoscopes and I think, man, I'd like to try that scam for a while. The truth
will guide the planets...
Then I think, why not? My predictions would be just as accurate as those provided by "professional" astrologers. I'll use a brand new system of reading the stars that can't be scientifically verified. That's handy, since it also means it can't be refuted. That's the beauty of a "science" based upon random, two-dimensional patterns of stars that actually exist in three-dimensional space, many of them zillions of light years apart and with absolutely no true correlation.So, here we go, the First Honolulu Lite Absolutely True Scientific Horoscope:
ARIES (March 21-April 19) -- You're in a lot of danger. Ursa Minor and Cassiopeia have been fooling around behind Orion's back. If Orion finds out, he's going to be royally ticked. He'll probably cold-cock Ursa Minor with the Little Dipper. Then Ursa Major will put out a hit on Orion and, well, this will be very bad for you Aries. You'll be consumed by homicidal/suicidal tendencies. Best advice, stay in bed and cover your head with a blankie.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) -- Stay away from any Aries. Period. If you live with an Aries, get the hell out of the house quick. This is no bull.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) -- Don't tell any Tauruses or Aries, but I just made all that up. Actually, the Moon is in the seventh House and Jupiter's aligned with Mars. And peace will guide the planets and love will fill the sun. No, wait a second, that's that stupid song by the Fifth Dimension. So much for being in tune with the planets, huh? How come members of the Fifth Dimension couldn't use astrology to see their careers going down the cosmic toilet? Buy bonds.
CANCER (June 21-July 22) -- Uh-oh. I see an indictment in your future. I see a drug agent planting dope under your bed. I see an FBI SWAT team outside your house. No. Don't look. Stay away from the windows! Don't stand next to any Aries in the cellblock.
LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22) -- You're losers. The whole bunch of you. Get out of my sight. I can't stand the sight of you. On the other hand, travel is indicated.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) -- Have you ever noticed the constellation Andromeda looks a little like Andre Agassi hitting a tennis ball? Either that or Errol Flynn in a sword fight with Cygnus, saying, "En garde, you filthy escargot, I shall run you through!" Just a thought. A loved one needs to hugged. Or smacked. You figure it out.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) -- Change your underwear. The stars demand it.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) -- No, don't change your underwear with a Libra. I meant for Libras to change with each other. God, you Scorpios are stupid. Travel is indicated.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 -- Dec. 21) -- Man, you are sexy. All you Sagittarius babes. I'm not kidding. Cowabunga. You light up my hemisphere. You Sagittarius guys, travel is indicated, so beat it. Leave me alone with my little cosmos cuties.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) -- Here's a prediction: Everyone's going to forget your birthdays. Big surprise. Thanks, Father Christmas. I'm a Capricorn. If anyone forgets my birthday, I'm sending an Aries to their house with a meat cleaver.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) -- Call your psychic friend, immediately! Your check bounced.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) -- World peace is in your hands. All the stars indicate that only you can lead the planet into the new millennium. You are the new messiah. No wait. Wrong chart. Travel is indicated.