I tried to stop the senseless slaughter of the Waikiki rats, but, alas, to no avail. Presenting: The mayoral
pant-leg solutionWhen a rat runs up the mayor's leg, well, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. I don't want to bark up a dead tree, as a former city editor used to say, but if we are going to fling around a bunch of cliches, we might as well strike while the irony is hot.
There's no ignoring the fact that it was the act of a rat actually running up Mayor Jeremy Harris' leg that caused the mayor to focus like a laser on the problem of rats hanging out in a popular banyan tree in Waikiki. Before the rat ran up Hizzoner's leg, the idea that there were hundreds of rats gnashing their teeth at tourists and swinging from branch to branch like little furry Tarzans was merely theoretical. At least to the mayor. Once the problem moved from the theoretical to the actual, exterminators were called in and the lowly, unappreciated, easily excitable Hawaiiana Ratis Banyanas was wiped out.
Forget environmental impact statements, neighborhood board discussions, meetings in The Hague with the United Nations Committee on Rat Sovereignty or even negotiations with the Indigenous Rodent General Counsel's office.
A rat ran up the mayor's leg, ergo, kill the bastards. It's actually kind of refreshing, in a politically incorrect, snuff-out-a-life-form-without-guilt, kind of way. (Personally, I could have thought of a lot more entertaining -- not to mention, profitable -- ways to get rid of the rats. But I guess a "Charley Aloha's BB Gun Booth and Rat Shooting Gallery" was out of the question.)
WE did learn that for the mayor to really swing into action against a certain problem, it apparently has to make bodily contact. So the question today is, "What else needs to run up the mayor's leg in order for the problem to be solved?"
Obviously, other than rats, the next major problem in Waikiki is prostitution. While prostitutes may be more charming than rats, they are just as prodigious. Most people agree that Waikiki would be better off without them. The trick, so to speak, will be getting one to run up the mayor's leg.
I think Mayor Harris should post himself on the sidewalk amid a gaggle of streetwalkers and simply wait for one to run up his leg. It could happen. Especially if he safety-pinned a $100 bill to his hip.
Once a hooker has run up the mayor's leg, he will call out the troops and eradicate prostitution in Waikiki. Badda boom, badda bang.
Next, we will need to find a small-business person to run up the mayor's leg. The smaller the better. Everyone knows that government regulation is killing small businesses in Hawaii. But the mayor isn't going to take action until a small-business person runs up his leg.
Crime has always been a problem in Waikiki. Now, criminals actually are riding by in cars and grabbing purses from tourists, dragging the unfortunate victims along the roadway. Clearly, we need one of these purse snatchers to run up the mayor's leg. What better way for the mayor to realize how serious the problem is?
Well, you get the idea. Define the problem, have it run up the mayor's leg. Problem solved.
And why stop there? Why shouldn't Gov. Ben Cayetano have problems running up his leg? I bet he'd take prison overcrowding seriously if a couple of inmates escaped and ran up his leg.
We are on a brave new frontier of representative Democracy that will allow us to get a leg up on all manner of problems and a toehold on our future. A bird in the hand may be worth two in the bush, but a rat up the pants really gets your attention.