Illustration by David Swann, Star-BulletinBy Kimberly Fu
Star-BulletinRelationship problems have existed since man first clubbed woman to make her his own in the cave-dweller days. What is new is the fact that more men are beginning to seek counseling then ever before, especially in Hawaii. "More men are coming in," said Mitzi Gold, owner and facilitator of the Mars and Venus Counseling Center of Hawaii. "They know what they want, and they want to know what it takes to have better relationships with their wives and girlfriends." Mars and Venus teachings are the brainchild of relationship expert Dr. John Gray. Men are comfortable with Gray's teachings because "they are known as very male-friendly," said Michael Najarian, president of Gray's seminar company Personal Growth Productions.
"There's been this rebirth of the Mars and Venus culture," he said, adding that Hawaii has been susceptible to the craze, its people more accepting of Gray's messages than anywhere else. "There's something about Hawaii that has people speaking from their hearts," he said, attributing this to the value placed on family and people in Hawaii.
"On the mainland, it's like pulling teeth. You have to get through the layers (of emotional wrappings)."
But getting past layers is Najarian's forte, having trained with Gray for more than 10 years and practicing what he learned for just as many. The key to mending a relationship is to identify the problem and analyze it through the eyes of men (Mars) and women (Venus), he said.
In his books, Gray describes men as Martians who hide in caves to avoid confrontations and women as Venusians who need to openly express all thoughts and feelings. This difference in communication style is what causes the most problems in a relationship, Najarian said.
"(But) with just a little more awareness and some simple (learning) tools, that can change."
Sylvie Fields and husband Sean can vouch for that statement. Together for six years and married for four months, Sylvie said two Mars and Venus workshops held on Oahu a few years ago helped strengthen their relationship.
"Since we took that first seminar, we've grown a lot ... I learned that we are different ... that we do communicate differently."
Like every couple, Sylvie said she and Sean were experiencing problems. But after hearing about Gray and reading his first book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," Sylvie was inspired to attend one of his workshops.
"It was such a learning experience," she said. "I learned that what I was going through -- what I felt -- wasn't just me." Surrounded by couples who were facing the same relationship issues made it easier to absorb and accept what she was hearing.
Through the workshops, Sylvie said she realized there was no hidden meaning behind Sean's actions or reactions. "Sometimes it's just a male thing," she said, adding that Sean's need for some time alone upon reaching home from work is one such example. Sean was also able to see things from her point of view, she said, for example, a need to talk out problems instead of just letting them die.
The lines of communication between them are much more open now because both have gained a better perspective on each other's thoughts and needs, Sylvie said.
"There's got to be this mutual willingness to work on the relationship," she said. "I can see him (Sean) trying to practice what we went over in the seminars, what we read in the books." Sylvie added that keeping a relationship successful is hard work, but work that she loves to do.
Gold said the successes gained from the workshops are due to the humorous, lighthearted way the information is presented. "He's not trying to change people, but he has a wonderful, loving way of explaining things," Gold said of Gray. "His ideas are so revolutionary. They're turning peoples' lives around."
Easing relationships
What: Mars and Venus performance featuring Michael Najarian
