Arguing can be good
for a relationship

TAKE a moment and remember every romantic relationship you have had. Recall all the times you had quarrels and got mad at each other -- how did it end?

Did you break off the relationship? Or did your relationship grow stronger?

Well, in a majority of cases, a quarrel between two lovers just ends with a kiss, a hug and an "I'm so sorry." They are happy again, for a while.

I see certain patterns repeated in almost every relationship.

Usually, I notice the man feels that he should be the one with all the power in the relationship. I have a couple of friends who demonstrate this completely.

My friends Janice and Brad (not their real names) make a really cute couple, but only when they aren't fighting.

Brad is a really nice person. He just has an extreme pride problem. Janice is like a little girl who always wants her way. When the two of them fight it's like all hell breaks loose. She becomes the Witch of the West and he becomes a barbarian.

They fight constantly and usually over the most stupid things. They fight over the big things, like respect, but they also fight over the small things, like what kind of food to eat, or just because one of them forgot to call the other.

Sometimes I feel that what they fight over is really pathetic, but then I look at my relationship and it's the same way.

Once Janice told me the thing she likes best about fighting is making up. That's when Brad makes her feel like she is the only person that matters to him.

THERE'S another type of fighting that ends in the same way. This is where the woman is given the power because either the man doesn't want it, can't handle it or can't face conflict.

My ex-boyfriend and I had a relationship like this. We fought, but only for a few minutes. Because no matter what I got angry about, he apologized, thinking it was all his fault. Then he did whatever he could to convince me to accept his apology.

Sometimes I thought this was really cute, but at other times it made me even more frustrated and angry than I was in the first place.

I was usually the one who got mad, but it was over things that hurt my feelings, like when he teased me when I did something wrong or forgot something.

I realized that in a relationship like this, all I had to do was get mad or be a "girl" and I could get away with anything. This was frustrating because there was no outlet when I really wanted to get a serious message across. I didn't know whether he was really listening or just going along to avoid arguing.

TRYING to keep the peace is fine, but it's unrealistic. I feel that every relationship is going to have its battles, no matter how perfect you may think it is or want it to be.

A fight doesn't mean the relationship is over or in trouble. The majority of quarrels will end in happiness and forgiveness. If the relationship ends, it was probably not meant to be.

When two people fight it shows what kind of individuals they are, whether they're "in love" or not. If anything, your relationship and understanding of one another will grow stronger.

Now, after reminiscing, you can look back on all those times you fought with the one you love and laugh because those fights were over the most childish things.

And yet, each fight taught you something new about the other person, making it worthwhile, especially if you think you want to spend the rest of your lives together.

---

Kelli Kusunoki is a senior at Kaiser High School.

Rant & Rave is a Tuesday Star-Bulletin feature
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