WITH the seas of public opinion tossing the SS Bishop Estate rudely about, the majestic money-laden vessel is lumbering toward its traditional safe haven, the courts. Gov. Ben Cayetano, meanwhile, is trying to stay calm and not let University of Hawaii football Coach von Appen or other provocateurs burn another acid hole in his stomach. And the gentle Rev. Abraham Akaka has boarded that golden coach to eternity with some good company. So what better time to go to the mail bag for a an end-of-summer session of "Mr. Huh?" and find out what's on the minds of all you loyal fans and royal watchers. MIR-ly asking the
questions on your mindQUESTION: Mister, I see that the state is finally going to begin firing employees who test positive for illegal drug use. Some people think that is harsh. But I can't help but think about all those fellas who don't work for the government who get caught taking illegal drugs. They end up in jail. What do you think, huh?
ANSWER: If we throw everyone in jail who tries an illegal drug, our main industry will be building prisons and our largest workforce will be the people manning the prisons. So that's not the answer. It's also not the answer to let some drugged out public employee careen around in a 150 ton dump truck, running over houses and such. At the very least, the potential loss of their jobs should be enough to convince these guys to get help. The trick is not to treat everyone with a drug problem as a criminal or every public employee as a protected species who can't be disciplined.
Q: Mister, things have been worse on the Russian space station then anyone knew. After the glorified soda can caught fire a few months ago, the temperature on the space station was 96 degrees for seven weeks! That's worse than Guam! I'm beginning to think that MIR is Russian for HAL, you know, like that wacky computer in the movie 2001? Wouldn't it be stupid to send another American up to that accident trap, huh?
A: Yes.
Q: Mister, my name is Boris and I resent the tone of that last question. We Russians build many sophisticated technological equipment that is perfectly safe. In fact, much better than the Americans. You are just prejudiced against us because our women have large dark eyebrows when they are young and look like Jack Palance when older. Can't you say anything good about the Russian space station, huh?
A: Let's see. Uh, the Russian space program has done a lot to revive religion in Moscow. Because, most people believe it is a MIR-acle that the space station hasn't blown up yet. Or, MIR is to space what the Chernobyl was to power production. How's that?
Q: Mister, your buddy, the columnist, was trashing women who put on makeup while driving. I put on makeup when I drive and do just fine. It's not like I'm in the Daytona 500 or anything. But what about all those men who keep a cellular phone glued to their ear like they are conducting international business and guys who pick their nose at stop lights. Men do lots of stupid things while driving so your buddy should spread the hurt around a little. Do you agree, huh?
A: Wait a second, I'm writing this column on my lap top while cruising down the Likelike and some bozo just cut in front of me. (Audible: Hey, ya, jerk. Why don't you shave at home!) Excuse me. Now, what were you asking? Hold it, I'm pulling in to McDonalds for a burger. There. I'll answer your question in just a sec. Dammit. I spilled ketchup on my keyboard. Whoa! Just missed a bicyclist in a cross walk. I'm going to have to type with one hand while I eat my burger and steer with my knee. To answer your question, no, women should not put on makeup while driving. It's dangerous.