I was coming down Pali Highway when I happened upon a car in the left lane going almost, but not exactly the same speed, as a car directly to its right. The highway is not
your bathroomThis car would speed up, as if it were going to provide enough room for others to pass, but then slow down, creating the classic "Honolulu Highway Blockeroo."
As I hunkered down behind the offending vehicle, I realized that the pilot seemed to be concentrating on everything except actually driving the car. She was looking in her rear-view mirror, applying eyeliner and lipstick, combing her hair and generally going through all the activities men usually associate with a woman who is "getting dolled up."
I was angry at first, as I usually am when subjected to some idiot who does not consider driving a several-thousand-pound vehicle at a relatively high speed as an activity that deserves his or her complete attention. Early automobile drivers considered going even 50 mph a hair-raising experience, for which they held onto the steering apparatus with both hands, wore a helmet on their heads and a grim expression of determination on their faces. The thought of trying to control a potentially life-threatening piece of machinery while, say, consuming a meal or gussying up one's appearance wouldn't have occurred to them.
Then I realized it was probably not this woman's fault that she was jeopardizing several lives by her driving. She was merely confused. She had somehow confused the interior of an automobile with her home bathroom. And because I have observed this kind of behavior before, I decided that there must be a number of people out there who have a problem determining whether they are sitting in a metal-covered, gasoline-fired, piston-engine-propelled projectile or a small room in their home.
So, as a public service, and with absolutely no derogatory intent, I provide the following checklist to help poor, addle-brained victims of bathroom-automobile dementia.
1. Look straight ahead. Do you see yourself or a vast expanse of concrete or asphalt? If you see yourself, you are more than likely in your bathroom looking in the mirror. If you see asphalt, you are in your car.
2. Reach your arms straight out. If you strike a circular object that beeps when you press it in the middle, that is most likely a steering wheel, meaning you are in your car. If your hands come in contact with a concave porcelain bowl imbedded in a countertop, you are in your bathroom.
3. Are you looking at dials with mysterious symbols that say "Miles Per Hour," "Battery," and "Check Engine" or handles that say "Hot" and "Cold?"
4. Are you surrounded by make-up containers, shampoo bottles and other accouterments for making one's body presentable or do you see trees whizzing by at a fast rate?
5. If you reach way out to your right, are you be able to roll down a window or flush a toilet?
6. If you suddenly stomp your right foot down, will a cat screech and run out of the room or will tires squeal?
See? It is not hard. While parts of a car may resemble parts of a bathroom, they generally are fairly easy to tell apart.
If you find yourself in a bathroom environment, that is where you should comb your hair, apply makeup, draw lines on your face where eyebrows used to be, etc.
If you find yourself in an automobile, you should concentrate all of your energies on directing the vehicle to where you want to go. They say most accidents happen at home. I say, most accidents happen in cars when drivers think they are at home.
Next time, we'll help out those jerks who confuse the inside of a Porsche with their office.