Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Monday, September 1, 1997


Real poi dogs
don’t dance (or shake)

WHAT'S the difference between a regular old run-of-the-kennel, mix-breed mutt and a true Hawaiian poi dog?

That's the question that the Great Honolulu Lite Real Poi Dog Contest will answer. We are still in the preliminary stages of organizing the event. But it's not too early to start figuring out if that bag of fleas chewing on your favorite zori in the corner is a real poi dog or an imposter.

I've decided that my dog Boomer isn't a true poi dog, although he has many fine poi dog qualities.

First, his pedigree is a mystery. He apparently came from the breeding line generally considered "sporting dogs" -- such as retrievers and setters -- but he's afraid of all living creatures, including birds, so something happened along the evolutionary highway to snuff out any sporting instincts his antecedents had. (It's sad to see your dog bullied away from his dog dish by medium-sized pigeons.)

Boomer has the eating habits of a true poi dog, meaning, he will eat anything that will fit into his mouth. Last week, I sprayed a bread roll with Raid to kill a bunch of ants that had crawled into the plastic bag and then set the bag out on the deck to keep it away from Boomer.

Yes, I know it was a stupid thing to do. Yes, I forgot it was out there. Yes, I let Boomer on the deck. Yes, Boomer scarfed down the dead-ant and Raid-laden bun. Yes, I took him to the vet to have his stomach, uh, emptied. Yes, he enjoyed the entire episode. In that, he appears truly poi.

His most memorable poi episodes include eating an entire box of Crayolas and then doing his business in Technicolor; chewing the arms off several of my daughter's Barbies, leaving little plastic "shaka" hands scattered around the room; and getting a filled-to-capacity roach motel stuck to the end of his nose and running around the driveway like Old Yeller on acid.

He also pees when you yell at him, which is an accepted poi trait. (Actually, he even pees when you look at him with a quizzical expression on your face. He's easily confused and assumes, usually rightly so, that he's done something wrong.)

But Boomer isn't a true poi dog for the simple fact that he will lift his paw when you say "shake." And six times out of 10, he will sit when you say "sit."

True poi dogs don't do tricks. Period. Not that they can't. They can. They just don't want to. Poi dogs do have a certain pride and if you try to teach them a trick, they'll turn their nose up at you, even if there's a roach motel on the end of it.

SO, do you have a poi dog? A real poi dog? Drop me an e-mail or letter giving examples of your pooch's poi-ness. I'll collect them and stick them in an upcoming column. I'll even send an official "Great Feeling, Less Taste" Honolulu Lite T-shirt to the person with the most outrageous poi dog escapade.

And send in suggestions for the types of events we could have for the Great Honolulu Lite Real Poi Dog Contest. I don't know exactly when this will be. It all depends on whether I can sucker some group into co-sponsoring it.

Maybe the Hawaiian Humane Society will be interested. That's where Boomer came from. They have lots of real poi dogs there, especially ones that look like they are half-Chihuahua, halfwolf and half-Grizzly bear. I know, that's a lot of halves. But you wouldn't believe these animals. You ain't seen nothing until you've seen a 300 pound, hairless, shivering puppy with an extremely bad attitude.

Now that I've made fun of the the Humane Society's doggies, I guess they're out as co-sponsors. Hey, I haven't ticked off the Animal Rights Hawaii folks lately. Maybe they'd like to take part. They might even claim that poi dogs have rights. Man, that's a scary thought.



Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802

or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.



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