THE times, they are a-changin'. Actually, they're getting downright weird. Hot off the wire is the news that Bob Dylan will sing for Pope John Paul II. What in God’s name
is Dylan doing?You have to wonder if it's because Dylan was knock, knock, knockin' on Heaven's door last summer after coming down with a sometimes fatal condition that swells the sac around the heart.
This is really not fair. How come only rich entertainers who have a brush with death are allowed to hobnob with the righteous and famous? I've been feeling out of sorts lately, and dammit, I want to discuss it with some high-level religious types with better access to the man upstairs than I have. It doesn't have to be the Pope; a cardinal or a lama would do. Or a swami or a Reverend Mother. Or any one of those old dudes in Russia with the long beards and the big staffs. And I'm not talking staff, like a bunch of people working in an office. I'm talking one of those long stick-things that holy men use to smite disbelievers.
(I'm not interested in any major miracles. Just show me a religious leader who can cure hypochondria and I'll be happy.)
You just know Bob Dylan is going to be kissing up to the Pope to score holy points. A sudden heart condition will do that . You can be the the most hardcore drug-taking, blaspheming, covetous, gluttonous, immoral rock and roller in the world, but come down with a mild case of heartburn and you're suddenly singing "Amazing Grace" and ringing up Mother Terresa.
Back when Bob Dylan was smoking joints the size of Cuban cigars and singing "Lay, Lady, Lay," he didn't even know he had a sac around his heart. He was immortal then.
Now, he's living on bottled water and wheat grass. And when his heart skips a few beats he wants to jam with the Pope.
He'll probably even rework some of his songs to gain the Pope's favor.
Like, "Once upon a time, you dressed so fine, big pointy hat, Catholic-kine', didn't youuuu? ... Oh, how does it feeeeeel? In your Pope-mo-beeeeel?"
He'll probably get to ride in the Pope-mobile. Sit there in that little bullet-proof glass box waving at everyone while the car tools around the Vatican parking lot and speakers blare out "Blowin' in the Wind."
(I've never understood the point of a bullet-proof Pope-mobile. If the Pope is afraid to die, what chance do we have?)
THE downside of Bob Dylan hanging out with the Pope is that now all kind of rock stars are going to want to do it. Imagine this introduction: "Pope John Paul, Madonna; Madonna, Pope John Paul." That would make a few monsignors turn their heads, I'll bet.
Being naturally suspicious, I wonder if Dylan might have another reason for wanting to play for the Pope. Have you seen the crowds John Paul pulls in? Zillions of people. So many people met the Pope in France this week it would have taken THREE loaves to feed 'em all. (Rimshot.)
On the other hand, Dylan hasn't been able to fill a coffee house in years. OK, he can fill a coffee house, but he can't fill any of the larger Starbucks. So, he convinces the Pope's people to let him do a papal gig and, bingo, instant audience. Dylan's back on top, touring the world and popping up with the Pope in places like Slovenia and Brazil. ("Hello, Sao Paulo! Are you ready to rock and roll?")
I don't know, it just seems strange. You kind of expect these aging agnostic radicals to stick to their idiological guns and face eternity with the same swaggering disdain they heaped on the establishment in the '60s.
Instead, they've changed their mantra from "Don't Bogart that joint, my friend" to "Praise the Lord and pass the Ensure."