Lite on the inside
shows ins and outsOnline note: Charley's column ended up on page 3 CONGRATULATIONS. You found me. No, I'm not hiding from the United Airlines flight attendants whom I ticked off last week. I'm homeless.
of the features section of the newspaper
to accommodate the Niihau special.Those big Niihau stories all over the front of the feature section bumped Honolulu Lite in here to the crossword puzzle page. (The answer to 60 Across, by the way, is "papio.")
Now I know how the Hawaiians who got chased off the Pali felt. The Niihau Hawaiians chased Honolulu Lite back to B-3.
But that's OK. I'm not bitter. It's kind of cool to have a different view for a change.
Hey, there's a cartoon over there in the corner. It's called "Fair Game." It's kind of a chick feature. I generally don't get it. Like today's, with two chicks chatting. One says, "To tell you the truth ... I went into journalism because I had a crush on our paper boy." Huh? See, I went into journalism because I WAS a paper boy. Does that mean I had a crush on myself? I had a really hard paper route up in Aiea and a bike with no brakes. But that's another story. (The answer to 38 Down is "boroboro.")
I see my buddy, Tim Ryan, has done a huge story on Harrison Ford, to the left. Tim loves celebrities. His stepmother was Irene Ryan, who played Granny on "Beverly Hillbillies." For real. Tim knows more about the "Beverly Hillbillies" than any man alive. He can sing the entire theme song. Except he thinks "Jed Clampett" actually was "Jeb Clampett." I told him, no, it's "Jeb Stuart" and "Jed Clampett." Tim also knew Donna Douglas, who played Elly May Clampett. Tim claims he never "rassled" with her, but I'm dubious. Elly May was a babe. I don't know if she ever had a paper route, but if she had, I would have gone into journalism.
HARRISON Ford is here pushing his new movie, "Air Force One," and to film a new movie on Kauai with Ann Heche. Heche is Ellen DeGeneres' significant other. I'd like to meet DeGeneres and Heche. And Ford, too, for that matter. But columnists never get to meet anyone. Tim will probably be going on a picnic with all of them on Kauai, amusing them with stories about the "Beverly Hillbillies." Tim can say, "Get in the truck, boy," just like Uncle Jed. I bet Ellen will crack up. But I'm not jealous. (The answer to 55 Across is "petroglyph.")
You may have noticed that I'm giving away answers to the crossword puzzle. Shhh. Don't tell anyone. It'll be our secret. This local crossword puzzle is just too damn hard. I'm not criticizing Charlotte Wong, who makes up the puzzle, but how many people would know the answer to 40 Down: Coating for katsu? No, it's not bread crumbs. It's "panko." I never heard of it either. It's French, I think.
There's a little item up there at the top of the page about a story-telling festival in Laie near the Cackle Fresh Egg store. Maybe Tim will be there. ("Then one day he was shootin' at some food, and up from the ground come a bubblin' crude. Oil, that is.") I wonder if Ellen ever met Elly May? Maybe Tim can introduce them: Ellen, Elly, Elly, Ellen. Would Heche mind? (The answer to 8 Down is "KHN." You never were going to get that one in a million years. The clue was: "Dental: Knoop hardness number." Yeah. Right.)
There's a bunch of briefs about famous people way over there on the left. I'll bet Tim knows most of them personally.
Man, I hate this. Let's be honest. I don't like being stuck in here on the inside. For one thing, my mugshot is in black and white. On the cover my mugshot is in color. I look a lot more skinny in color. I do. I'm not saying I am skinny. I'm just saying I'm not as fat as I look in black and white. God, I want to go home. (The answer to 54 down is "fats.") What's your point, Charlotte?
Ellen, Ann, Harrison ... anyone famous. Call me. I know Tim.