RANDOM ramblings from a draft day lunch (about three drafts each) with Mr. Rumorman, a guy who knows nothing about everything and everything about nothing when it comes to sports. But he's like those TV psychics: amusing on a slow day, and talks so much and makes so many predictions that he can't help but be right once in a while (then he never lets you forget). Rumorman has answers
to all the questionsHe's quick with opinions, too. Much quicker than he is at picking up tabs.
Dave: I've got to hand it you Mr. Rumorman. You were on the mark with the NBA Finals. What amazing insight to pick the team with four prior championships and the best player in the history of organized sports to beat the squad that had never been there before. I won't tell anyone how many times you switched back and forth during the series.
Rumorman: Gimme a break, kid, or you ain't gonna get the real Pippen poop.
Dave: "The Pippen Report, Case Closed," I can hardly wait. Is it true he's going to the Roswell Mannequins for two aliens to be named later? Beam me up, Scottie. The only thing I've heard that would make sense so far involves Pippen going to San Antonio for David Robinson.
Rumorman: It'll never happen -- that would help both teams. And even the Bulls wouldn't be able to figure out a way to usher The Admiral aboard and stay under the salary cap. The only big man Chicago can afford right now is Zheng Haixia. My people tell me it's Pippen and Picks to the Sparks.
Dave: Well, she is big, slow and from another country -- what the Bulls like in the middle. Speaking of the WNBA, what's this about Rebecca Lobo and Keith Olbermann?
Rumorman: Yes, they are what we in the rumor biz call "an item." She's why Older-man wants to work in New York. They're a little more serious than Tiger Woods and Tyra Banks, who had only one date. Apparently, Tiger's parents didn't approve. They asked him why he couldn't find a nice Cablinasian girl.
Dave: Enough gossip. What do you hear about the draft?
Rumorman: What draft? It's so bad they're calling it an outline. After Duncan, there's nothing. Anthony Carter could've come out early and been a
first-rounder.
Dave: Really? I thought Carter didn't have a consistent enough outside shot.
Rumorman: Guys with his kind of athletic ability in college can learn to shoot in the pros. They learn it the Hard-a-way, heh, heh. Get it? (And I mean Ticket Tim, not Penny Loafer.)
Carter's got the speed, hops, instinct and desire you can't teach. When Jerry West said, "That kid can't shoot" in front of the scouts at the Rainbow Classic, he was just trying to throw off the pack. Look for AC in Laker purple and gold in
'98-99. And he'll hang much longer than Trevor Ruffin did.
Dave: OK. What about Mark McGwire. Where is he going?
Rumorman: There's talk about a straight swap for Mo Vaughn. McGwire would have fun with the Green Monsta, and Vaughn is a great guy to rebuild a team around. The Clemens fiasco proves there are no Red Sox untouchables. The A's would be smart to get rid of everybody and start over.
Dave: But they beat Randy Johnson last night, with McGwire blasting a mammoth homer.
Rumorman: Yeah, but they struck out 19 times doing it.
Dave: Speaking of high velocity, I read that in their match at Wimbledon, Mark Philippoussis and Mark Rusedski broke the speed guns with their serves.
Rumorman: They both hit 138 mph. But that's still slower than Hardaway's Ferrari. And it's tennis. Who cares anymore? Andre Agassi doesn't.
Dave: Well, I have to go. One last question. Is it true that columnists sometimes use silly fantasy acquaintances to say things they don't want to be held accountable for?
Rumorman: Never!
Dave Reardon is a magazine editor and freelance
writer who has covered Hawaii sports since 1977.
He can be reached via the Star-Bulletin or
by email at reardon@aloha.com.
