IT'S really embarrassing and insulting that all these dentists are fighting about who is responsible for Brook Lee winning the Miss Universe contest. Especially since I should be getting the credit. Like plaque clings to
teeth of winning grinIn case you missed it, a local dentist has been running advertisements in the newspapers, claiming he is responsible for the cosmetic dentistry that gave Brook that "winning smile." Now, other dentists are coming out of the teethworks claiming that they also had a hand in her mouth, so to speak. They're mad because one dentist is hogging all the credit.
Isn't that the way life is? I mean, you never hear from a dentist except on your birthday when he sends you one of those computer greeting cards or when he sends you a notice that it's time to have your teeth cleaned. Of course, the reminder to have your teeth cleaned is just a ruse to get you back in the torture chair so he can drill holes in your head and fill them with hazardous metals. But dentists, as a whole, are pretty quiet. All of a sudden, we've got a bunch of them yammering in public about who did what to Brook's Chiclets, as if that's the only reason she won the title. (For the record, I have to side with Dr. Wynn Okuda on the issue of Brook's teeth, simply because he's the one who's been taking out advertisements in the newspapers stating his claim. As a newspaper guy, I appreciate people who shell out money for advertisements. It's a sign of character. And if those other dentists want to try to horn in on Okuda's action, they ought to take out ads, too. Big ones. Half pagers. And if they do, the Hawaii Newspaper Agency better give me a commission.)
THE thing is, Brook didn't win Miss Universe simply because of her teeth. Sure, she's got a mouth full of them. And they're white and gleamy and stuff. In fact, while I was watching the pageant on television, before she had won, I remarked to my wife that Brook was a shoo-in for the Miss Dental Hygiene part of the contest. Forget the Miss Congeniality competition, Brook had teeth that would put a grand piano to shame.
But you don't beat a knock-out-looking babe like Miss Venezuela simply with teeth. You've got to have great hair, eyes, elbows and knees, not to mention a dynamite set of "getaway sticks." But mainly, you have to be able to speak. A lot of those contestants looked great, but when they were asked simple questions, they clammed up like Ollie North in front of a congressional committee.
That's why I felt the need to help prep Brook for the verbal part of the contest. I'm the one who suggested she stick up for fat people. Let the other contestants blather on about world peace, rain forests and saving baby seals.
"Stick up for fatties!" I advised her. "If you are asked whether Miss USA should stay skinny after she's won the crown, say, 'Look, buster, I had four sets of hands in my mouth fiddling with my teeth in order to get this far. I haven't had solid food in months. If I win this crown, I'm going to stuff myself until I blow up like the Hindenberg. These contests do nothing but exploit women's beauty anyway. So back off, bozo. And go get me a cheeseburger.'"
Well, I didn't actually tell her that. I sent it by e-mail. I don't even know if she got it. But if you watched the Miss USA pageant, you saw how she slapped around George Hamilton when he asked her whether it's OK for Miss USA to inflate like Roseanne. She didn't use my exact phrasing, but the sentiment was there. And that became sort of an underlying theme of the Miss Universe pageant.
So, yes, Brook does have a nice set of chompers. But I don't care how many dentists stuck their paws in her mouth, that's not why she won. She won because she's got a brain and she knows how to use it. The fact that that brain is carried around on legs longer than Michael Jordan's is just a coincidence.