I don't know much about politics but it looks to me like Congressman Neil Abercrombie has been Swindled. In the vowel war,
Quentin has the edgeOrson Swindled, that is.
In the world of big-time, championship political wrestling, Abercrombie has beaten Swindle twice for the U.S. House of Representatives. And Neil -- who wrestles under the name "Danny's Boy" -- was standing in his corner like Lord Tally Ho Blears crankin' up a round-house punch for a third knockout next year. Then "Change Coursin' Orson" deftly stepped aside and tagged up with "No Quittin' Quentin" Kawananakoa, the state legislator.
Now Neil and Quentin are stalking around the ring eye-balling each other while all the fans who had ducked out to grab a beer and a side of nachos hurry back to their seats to catch the big show.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMBLLLLLE!
Let's go down to Marv Albert and see how this match looks from ringside. Marv?
Marv: "Well, Chuck, this is going to be a beauty. You can expect plenty of back-biting . . . excuse me, I mean, back-stabbing between these two."
I don't know, Marv, Neil doesn't seem too worried about the youngster. Neil's got a great corner with Da Two Dannys coaching him and he's certainly got the experience.
Marv: "Don't you believe it, Chuck. Neil's gotta be worried. 'No Quittin' Quentin' brings some things to this battle that Swindle just didn't have."
Like what, Marv?
Marv: "Vowels, Chuck. Quentin has lots of vowels. And he knows how to use them."
I don't follow, Marv.
Marv: "Do the math, Chuck. Count the vowels. K-A-W-A-N-A-N-A-K-O-A. That's quite an arsenal. Remember, Orson got whacked because he had only four vowels in his entire war chest. Neil got to play the local hero while Swindle ended up wearing the white leather mask of the 'Cultural Interloper.' There's no way Neil can accuse Quentin of being a Haole-Come-Lately to the Hawaii political fight game, Chuck."
Wait a second, you mean experience doesn't count for anything?
Marv: "Hey, you can be the best commentator, I mean fighter, ever and then someone blindsides you with some vicious slander and of a sudden a Grand Jury is . . . I mean, well, you know, a guy's history apparently doesn't count for much in real life. Besides, Neil has always fought as a lefty and he's having a hard time trying to change his stance. He's trying to go from long-haired free spirit to a re-coiffed moderate team player. I don't know if the fans will buy it. You can't just change your tights and expect people to applaud."
Well, Marv, Quentin's reputation isn't exactly without a blemish.
Marv: "Whose isn't? But this bout is a real culture clash. You've got Neil who says he never smoked marijuana and Quentin who admits he had a cocaine problem but got over it. The fans love a guy who's beaten a drug problem. They can identify with a guy like that. They know what it was like way back when. They have a hard time believing that some guy like Bill Clinton didn't inhale. Do you remember anyone who didn't inhale?"
Inhale? I know people who drank the bong water. But what does that have to do with this match?
Marv: "Nothin'. Just making happy talk, Chuck. It's what we do here at ringside. All I can say is that Neil had better come out swinging, and he'd better not be a southpaw. He's never been up against a heavily voweled local kid throwin' hard rights. This is going to be a battle royale."
Well, thanks Marv. And I hope you're at ringside when it starts. Or at least have access to a television in the cellblock.