Changing Hawaii

By Diane Yukihiro Chang

Monday, May 26, 1997

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Nothing’s funnier than
what’s in the news

AFTER you have finished laughing (or crying) over local news stories -- like how union leader Gary Rodrigues is wreaking havoc in state government, how the Bishop Estate trustees are thumbing their noses at an outraged Hawaiian community, and the continuing controversy known as same-sex marriage -- turn to the headlines about the mainland for some real knee-slappers.

Just look at this scintillating sampling of three amusing, slightly aggravating and true-to-life articles that ran in last week's Star-Bulletin.

Cup runneth over. In Boca Raton, Fla., 12-year-old Melissa Raglin was told she couldn't play catcher in a youth baseball league because she didn't wear a protective cup -- that hardy piece of plastic that covers the groin.

Since the cups are considered mandatory safety gear for boy players, officials for the Babe Ruth League say that all girl catchers must wear them, too.

Raglin thinks the idea is stupid but, Melissa, just wear the darn thing. Such are the travails of a trailblazer in any male-dominated endeavor, especially if niggling bureaucrats are going to play hard ball with you.

Hit 'em where it hurts: Right in the old common sense.

Skating on thin brains. Senate -- an in-line skating equipment manufacturer in Huntington Beach, Calif. -- doesn't understand the fuss over its company slogan, "Destroy All Girls," which is emblazoned on the laundry-instruction tags of its line of apparel.

"The tag was supposed to say, 'Kill your parents,' but some people thought that was too extreme. Go figure," said Arlo Eisenberg, one of Senate's five partners.

Yes, how sad that highly impressionable youngsters and adults with good taste don't seem to have a sense of humor these days.

Seriously, though, Senate's days as a business may be numbered. Any tag that says, "Destroy All Girls," pretty much appeals to only 50 percent of a potential customer base, doesn't it?

More the marry-ier. How about that "wacky" polygamist in Big Water, Utah, who is the husband of eight wives and the father of 21. Alex Joseph, 61, is apparently the country's best known and most vocal proponent of a man having more than one spouse.

Undoubtedly the guy is a quotable character, making statements like, "Who besides a stupid, ugly man would have anything against polygamy?" and "I mean, Jack Kennedy and I are the same. I just happened to have married all mine."

But Joseph's most fascinating confession was that he is still picky about his marriage proposals. "There have been several women who wanted to marry me recently, but I turned them down," he said. "For that matter, there have have been a couple of men who...wanted to marry me, but I didn't marry them either."

Ummm, Alex, did these guys say anything about getting hitched in Hawaii?

Never mind.