THERE'S so much to write about today I don't know where to start. It's a gamble for jocks
and toy makersBut first, let me say there are no connections among the items appearing here. Last week, I started off writing about Bishop Estate trustees and ended up writing about mating bufo toads. One reader saw it as a grand piece of juxtapositional satire and practically called me a genius. Please. The term genius should be saved for people like, what's his name, Mike Einstein. I just wanted to write about bufos.
First up is the matter of the University of Hawaii quarterback busted in a Chinatown dice game. A friend was ecstatic that Tim Carey had accomplished this feat.
Don't you see? he said. Here's a mainland haole coming here to play football. People complain, how come we can't have a Hawaii guy be quarterback? Why do we always have to have outsiders who know nothing about life in Hawaii? And here comes Carey and -- bam! -- the fastest case of cultural assimilation ever!
I could see his point. I've lived here most of my life and I've never had the guavas to walk into a Chinatown dice game. And I know non-haoles who also wouldn't try it, even if they knew where the games were played, which they don't. Yet, here's this 6-foot-4 haole who looks like an FBI recruiting poster cozying up to underworld figures like he was born in the back of an abandoned car in Kalihi! Way to go, Carey. You've got what it takes to lead the Rainbows in battle on the football field. Just don't expect me to take the points and bet on UH for the BYU game.
SECOND item on the agenda: Wheelchair Barbie. Yes, they've just released a Barbie-look-alike named Becky who comes in a pink wheelchair.
I know this should be a good thing but it just makes me feel, well, oogy. Strip away Mattel's politically correct reasoning and you're left with the smell of exploitation. Mattel is in the business of selling toys, not engineering social consciousness in kids. That's up to parents.
"We are very, very committed to portraying diversity," said the senior VP of Mattel marketing.
So, are we to look forward to future Barbies showing all aspects of the human condition? Coma Ken? Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Barbie? First Air Force B-52 Pilot Flying Floozy Barbie? Cross-dressing Street Prostitute Who Knows Eddie Murphy Barbie?
And how did this Wheelchair Barbie get in the wheelchair? I suspect we will be told she was hit by a drunk driver. Maybe even that Indiana Jones doll in the Nissan commercial who runs over the cat and then steals that blonde doll from her husband.
There's a lot of pain in the world. And as much as a Starving Somali Widow Barbie might enlighten children to the horrors of a sub-Saharan famine, I doubt it would be much fun to play with.
FINALLY, a word about Hawaiian entertainer Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. It was bittersweet to see him win five Hoku awards this week, one for favorite entertainer. I can't say I understand the meaning of all of the songs he's done about Hawaii and Hawaiians. But it is clear that if the Hawaiian sovereignty movement has a heart, it beats in this gentle giant.
From a haole's point of view, I can honestly say that his rendition of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. Period.
Unfortunately, in life and in the Hawaiian community, a big heart and talent don't necessarily translate into money. It would be great if a few Hawaiians of the millionaire variety -- not necessarily Bishop Estate trustees -- would toss a few bucks into a "living treasure" trust so that Iz can recuperate from his illness and spend the rest of his life in comfort and dignity. Thanks for the music, Iz. Get well.