I think people have forgotten what this country stands for. So, in honor of the upcoming Memorial Day weekend, I offer you the New and Improved Super-sized Declaration of Independence: We hold these truths
to be self-evident"We hold these truths: That every living thing (from hamster to human) is guaranteed to be equal. That they are endowed by their Multi-denominational, Gender-Neutral, Non-Species-Specific, Supreme Being with certain unalienable rights that are way too complicated to go into here, but among them are life (except for the extremely old, young, ill or generally disagreeable), liberty (as long you get all government-approved permits) and happiness (provided no one is happier than anyone else.)
"That to secure these rights, government is instituted in the most costly and overbearing way to assure the general misery of just about everyone except those whose lives depend on government handouts. That to further secure these rights, power is derived from the consent of an ever-growing population of moochers and whiners whose Patriotic Mantra is 'Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, But What Has It Done For You Lately.'
"That whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of largely unregulated and unaccountable federal agencies to quash dissent, penalize free speech, and suppress religion, as long as that religion does not involve the worship of crystals or auras, communicating with the spirits of dead First Ladies, the belief in ascended master alien races, the practice of non-traditional healing (i.e., leeches, magnetometers and aroma therapy) or membership in groups that consider poisoned pudding a sacrament.
"That, further, it is the right of special interest groups, multinational corporations and large monolithic unions to organize government power in such form as to them shall seem most likely to perpetuate their longevity, influence and happiness.
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments established along these lines will grow 'fatter than Jabba the Hutt.' And while lesser governments seek only to ensure public safety and personal freedom, really big, important governments like these evolve and spread like flesh-eating bacteria, gobbling up previously private industries such as health care, insurance, telecommunications, food production, garbage collection and an untold number of other enterprises that the founding fathers, in their infinite lack of wisdom, frankly never envisioned the government being involved in.
"That, when any part of government becomes corrupted through transient causes (not limited to Bimbo Eruptions, Tyrannical FBI Directors Who Dress Like Women or Maniacal Presidents Who Order Illegal Burglaries of Opposition Party Headquarters), it is the right of those in power to cover up, refuse to appoint independent prosecutors, lie to grand juries, provide hush money to co-conspirators and generally do everything they can to save their butts from indictment until they are out of office.
"But when a long train of abuses and usurpations result in absolute despotism and the general moral decay of society, it is the people's right and duty to complain, grumble, whimper, howl, yowl and wail, but most of all, blame the media.
"And, for the support of this Declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence (except in schools, courtrooms or on an government property where divine Providence is constitutionally barred), we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, Fortunes and our Sacred Honor. Whatever that is."