LET'S all join hands and sing a few verses of "Kumbaya" and talk about the joys of volunteerism. Ah. Feels good doesn't it? Hey, what gives with volunteerism
Volunteering, as Martha Stewart would say, is a good thing. That's why you get such strange bedfellows as George Bush, Bill Clinton and Colin Powell together on stage to push a "Volunteer Summit."
What kind of jerk would say a disparaging word about urging people to volunteer to help society?
That would be me.
First of all, when more than two politicians from different parties get together on the same stage and start making gooshy eyes at each other, my right hand automatically goes to protect my wallet. Volunteerism, shmolunteerism. Whatever they're yaking about is gonna cost someone money, probably me.
Secondly, whenever anyone starts talking about organizing volunteers, it means that the people who usually get paid for what the volunteers will be doing have screwed it up so bad there's nothing left to do but round up a posse of patsies to save the day.
The truth is that there are many community volunteers. But they don't seek public recognition. The unfortunate effect of politicians calling for more volunteers is that it makes the existing volunteers feel they haven't done enough. Therefore, instead of convincing others in the community to volunteer, a "Volunteer Summit" only causes the existing volunteers to volunteer even more.
I'VE got some ideas for volunteering. But I'm going to get creamed for them.
For instance, I was recently behind a guy in a supermarket who used food stamps to buy two small designer bottles of water. I think that guy should volunteer not to buy expensive bottled water with our money. I think he should volunteer to use the tap like the rest of us.
I think anyone living in public housing should volunteer a few hours a week to keep the place up. Some say that's demeaning to the residents. I think I'd feel more demeaned if I were getting free or subsidized housing and someone had to volunteer to clean up after me.
I think parents should volunteer to stay married - as long as there is no violence in the relationship - until their kids can get by on their own. Sure, the parents would be happier living alone, but who said volunteering is all fun? And how many kids wouldn't volunteer to be raised by one parent?
I think girls under 21 living on welfare should volunteer not to have babies. The taxpayers - many childless by choice - didn't volunteer to pay for someone else's kids. And I think guys who don't want to be parents should volunteer not to make pregnant these young girls with no income or education. Deadbeat dads should volunteer to support their children or volunteer to go to the slammer.
I think criminals should volunteer to help ease prison overcrowding by not committing crimes. They don't have to become criminals. They volunteer to shoot and rob people.
I think kids should volunteer not to spray graffiti all over the place. It makes more sense for them to volunteer not to do that than to have others volunteer to remove their mess.
See? There are many aspects to volunteerism. Before you ask a bunch of people to volunteer to undo problems, you should ask people to volunteer to stop creating the problems in the first place. Then you should ask the people who get paid for clearing up the problems to volunteer to do their jobs. Then, and only then, do you ask the rest of country to volunteer to pick up the slack. And we are nowhere near that point yet.
Now, all together, "Kumbaya, my lord, Kumbaya ... "