I wasn't going to write anything about the vandalism at the local cemeteries, mainly because I don't believe in giving idiots who destroy property exactly what they crave: attention. Can’t all the world’s
weasels just wise up?I also feel a need to keep this space, if not humorous, at least relatively "lite." And there is nothing "lite" about a bunch of jerks desecrating memorials, especially at Punchbowl, where both my mom and dad are buried.
I knew that if I tried to write about this incident, I'd become maudlin and/or angry. Which is how we should feel when something like this happens.
I'd say something too obvious, like this is just another example of the basic lack of education, discipline and morals in society. The people who did this were either too ignorant to know the historical and personal significance of a place like Punchbowl for so many people or, more seriously, knew the significance but just didn't care.
In either case, it wasn't something I felt I could write about with anything bordering on creativity or restraint.
Then I got a call from one of those anonymous weasels who like to mouth off on the phone and hang up before you have a chance to respond.
This particular weasel said, "Have you considered that you may be responsible for the vandalism at the cemeteries because of your columns on hating Hawaii?"
What columns have I ever written encouraging the hatred of Hawaii? I asked.
"You know," the weasel said. "The ones about bad Hawaii slogans."
When I tried to discuss the matter with him, the weasel hung up. That's what weasels do.
And I thought, maybe people really are getting more stupid. Maybe it's like a secret disease, creeping across the country, taking away people's basic mental function.
Because the column the weasel was talking about was one in which I bemoaned the death of tourism, not encouraged people to hate Hawaii. Yes, it was satire. But that column was fairly transparent from a literary point of view. It wasn't exactly "Paradise Lost" or something indecipherable by James Joyce.
BASICALLY, I was saying that we should be doing everything we can to ATTRACT people to Hawaii. And yet, all of our efforts, via increased taxes on business, attempts to ban smoking in restaurants, etc., seem to be intent on REPELLING tourists. So, in a fit of satire, I suggested that if we truly want to keep tourists away, maybe we should have an official "Stay Away Tourist" state slogan. I urged readers to send in their ideas.
The point went so far over the weasel's head that not only did he not get it, he had the gall to suggest that because of that column, some other weasels went out and desecrated cemeteries.
Someone please help. Have things really gotten this bad? Or is it that only weasels know how to use phones and write letters? Because, if there's one weasel out there who thinks this way, then, like cockroaches, there must be a hundred other weasels hiding in the walls.
For the record, I love Hawaii. I encourage all to love Hawaii. I hate weasels. I hate idiots who spray-paint hate messages all over cemeteries, especially cemeteries where veterans who gave their lives for this country are trying to find eternal peace. And especially cemeteries where my own mother and father lie buried.
Mr. Weasel, that's as clear as I can make it. But also for the record, pretty soon everyone will have Weasel I.D., I mean, Caller I.D. And the days of people like you spreading your foolishness from the safety of your anonymous phone booth will be over. If you've got anything more to say, my number's in the phone book.