I'M trying to become a conspiracy theorist, but it's hard. How can a conspiracy
be so inept?How am I supposed to believe that the U.S. government is hiding an alien space ship -- secretly exploring its advanced propulsion systems -- and NASA can't even keep the space shuttle in orbit a week? Hell, even the Apollo astronauts 20 years ago did better than that.
It's much more fun to believe that sinister forces are orchestrating a New World Order under the control of a bunch of blue-beret soldiers in black helicopters than face the fact that the U.N. can't even quash small, garden-variety ethnic wars in backwaters like Rwanda and Liberia.
Theoretically, here's how the grand conspiracy is supposed to be working. At least one alien spaceship crashed in Roswell, N.M., way back when. The craft and even some living little aliens, were whisked to the super secret Area 51, where scientists have been wringing out fantastic breakthroughs in physics, engineering and ESP.
Since then, the spaceships have been snuck over to a military base near Washington, D.C., where they are used as a club to keep countries unlucky enough not to have captured their own spaceships in line.
The idea being that, by showing foreign diplomats the remains of the alien craft, they will scurry back home and warn their government that the U.S. will zap them with alien ray guns if they don't stop bothering their neighbors and trying to undercut U.S. markets.
This would be pretty cool, if true. But where's the payoff? The Arabs and Israelis must have been shown all of our alien space junk. Yet, they seem content to throw rocks and rubber bullets back and forth at each other. Not to mention, blow up the occasional bus.
THE Russians had so many moles in the CIA they must have complete details of the captured alien craft. And yet, their highest achievement in space engineering is a space station held together with baling wire and chewing gum.
It's not exactly Star Trek stuff. I mean, would Capt. Kirk keep everyone on a failing space station that could catch fire at any minute? No way. He'd beam them to Earth until something resembling a modern space station could be built. It's not like they are out in the farthest reaches of Alpha Centauri. They are about an hour and a half away from a warm bath and a beer at the Cape Canaveral Motor Lodge.
And let's not even talk about the space shuttle. Where's the secret space technology at our disposal? We can't even keep a spaceship a couple of miles above Earth long enough to grow bean sprouts? Please.
I want to be a conspiracy nut. I really do. They have much more fun than anyone else. As long as they don't take it too seriously and try to personally rendezvous with the mother ship by scarfing poisoned pudding.
I want to believe that the government is using our military to slowly convert America into nothing more than a United Nations vassal state. But why does it seem that instead of turning out cold-blooded, mind-controlled robot soldiers ready to suppress the American people, most of the soldiers simply are intent on getting a little hoochy-koochy from the recruits? These sergeants are more interested in conducting panty raids on the women's barracks than raiding anti-government militias.
And if you are a good conspiracy theorist, you have to believe that we have learned the secret of vast new types of energy. Yet, we can't keep our poor warm and fed, let alone help all those other countries that don't have enough electricity to run a hot plate.
So, I'll keep trying to become a conspiracy nut. In the meantime, if this is the New World Order, I'll take the old one.