SPRING has sprung, the kids are out of school and the red, red robins keep bob, bob, bobbin' along. But it's still freakin' cold. So what better time to chill out and go to the mail bag for a special springtime visit with "Mr. Huh?" Mr. Huh springs
into the mail bagQUESTION: Mister, I see where some supermarkets on the mainland have "stork parking," special reserved parking spots close to the entrance for pregnant mothers. This seems kind of sexist to me. Don't you think they should let guys with big beer bellies park in those spots, too, huh?
ANSWER: Absolutely. I know some fellas with stomachs that would make a pregnant mother look skinnier than a Zairian refugee. And pregnant women have it easy. After nine months, they get to shed their bellies and go on with life. The guys with big guts have them all the time.
Q: Mister, speaking of supermarkets, I'm one of those people who just pick up a few items and try to get out quickly through the express check-out line. But invariably, I end up behind some guy who's violating the nine-items-or-less rule. They seem to think it's nine categories of food or less. Or nine general food groups. I mean, I was behind a guy who tried to tell me that the bag of oranges, a pineapple, six apples, a watermelon and a cantaloupe constituted only one item: fruit. Then he had another "item" composed of about 800 cans of cat food. Then he had another "item" made up of bread, rolls, muffins, cake mix, tortillas and other flour-related merchandise. His bill was $147 and then his credit cards wouldn't work so he tried to cash a third-party check. Finally he ran out to his car and came back with a huge jar of change. It took 15 minutes to count it all out because half the coins were Canadian. I could have killed the idiot. What should I have done, huh?
A: Wait patiently. Besides, I didn't have any cake mix and the bill was only $137.
Q: Mister, finally! A tobacco company has admitted that cigarettes are addictive and cause cancer. Why did they keep this information from us all these years? I thought cigarettes were good for me so I smoked for 25 years. When I started coughing up lung chunks, I didn't realize it was the cigarettes. I thought it was the broccoli and fresh fruit I was eating. Are there other products out there that they know are dangerous but they aren't telling us about, huh?
A: I don't know. That's the problem. Until we are told by the government that these things are bad for us, how are we supposed to know? For instance, it seems like heavy drinking can lead to liver disease, but are we supposed to know that? I think I heard that saturated fat can lead to heart disease, but how are we supposed to know to stop eating all those fast-food hamburgers? We're victims. We can't possibly figure these dangers out for ourselves. Thank god there's a law forcing me to wear a seatbelt. Otherwise, I wouldn't know to put it on and I'd go right through the windshield in a crash. I'm not leaving my house until I get an entire list of what's safe and what's not.
Q: Mister, is that what they call "sarcasm," huh?
A: I can't hear you. I've stuck Exacto knives in my ears. The box didn't warn me not to do it so I guess it's OK.
Q: Mister, knock it off. Now you're being sardonic. Don't you have anything important to talk about, huh?
A: I can't talk. My mouth is full of ground glass. The soda label didn't say I'm not supposed to eat through the bottle. Now I'm stabbing myself in the leg with Bic pens. There's no warning on the pens that you should not thrust them into your leg. Hey, I think I'll set my face on fire. Rats. The matchbook says "Close Cover Before Striking." Whew. That was a close one. Look, a cotton ball. I think I'll shove it up my nose.
