KAILUA residents are lucky to have their own food delivery service, Room Service in Paradise, Inc. When it's raining, when the car's stalled, when your T-shirt's full of pukas and you feel too yogore to be seen in public, Room Service will pick up your order from a list of participating area restaurants and deliver your meal to your door, for a $3 fee ($2 per extra restaurant). Say a little prayer
for Hog HeavenA Restaurant Delivery Guide published by Room Service features menus of the restaurants. These have remained constant for six months or so, but residents spotted a new entry recently, Hog Heaven.
"But how could this be? I've never seen that place before!" I exclaimed to the cosmos.
I had to know more about this place, and I was encouraged by the possibility of ribs, ready when I'm ready to eat -- no fires to start, no timing, no dealing with a dog who's anxious for her cut.
Perhaps Hog Heaven was inspired by Bob Barr's Smokin' Bob's Barr-B-Q in Kaneohe. They would have to at least match Bob's right? Wrong. Kailua will just have to wait for good ribs or bust out their own grills.
HOG Heaven isn't really a place. It's a take-out and delivery companion business to the existing Kailua Beach Cafe. While the cafe goes about its regular duties, why couldn't it offer a second business on the side? With Room Service providing the infrastructure for getting the word and food out, it was supposed to be easy. And it would work, if only the food were better.I wish I could say the poor showing was due to lag time between food preparation (likely a matter of reheating) and the time meals reach one's home, but after going down myself, ordering food on the spot and taking it home, I know 5 minutes of drive time isn't to blame for various woes.
Baby-back Pork Ribs ($11.95) described as "fall-off-the-bone" tender, were dense and dry, and with more membrane than meat, required a steak knife for separating the ribs. The ribs were slathered with a chunky barbecue sauce, as if the moisture would work its way into the meat. Of course, this never works.
BBQ Chicken ($6.95 for half a chicken) was also dry, but edible. For $2.75 more for any entree, one also gets cole slaw, Janey's baked beans (which I liked) and a choice of french fries, garlic mashed potatoes or rice.
There is also salmon ($9.95), which is usually so naturally wonderful it's next to impossible for even a beginning cook to muck it up. The grilled stuff I got was nearly jerky. After taking two bites, I turned it over to the anxious dog.
Also on the menu are Pork Sandwiches and Sirloin Charburgers ($4.95) and a bunch of Caesar salads which one can get straight ($3.50 small, $5.95 large), or with Spicy Chicken ($6.95), Rotisserie Chicken ($6.75), BBQ Pork ($6.75) or Grilled Shrimp ($8.50). The restaurant can't be faulted for its thick, pasty Ranch-like dressing, which everyone around town is adopting anyway. The shrimp, though as dry as the rest of the grill items, was tasty, having been marinated in lemon and garlic oil.
It's not too late for Hog Heaven to live up to the latter part of its name. All the staff needs to do us stop cooking everything to death.
Hog Heaven
Where: Take-out available at Kailua Beach Cafe, 130 Kailua Road
Hours: 5 to 9 p.m. Sunday through Thursday
Prices: About $10 to $28 for two
Call ahead: 262-2730
Also: Kailua residents may place home delivery order ($10 minimum) through Room Service in Paradise, Inc., 263-3463; $3 fee plus tip for the delivery person.
To recommend a restaurant, write: The Weekly Eater, P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, Hawaii 96802. Or send e-mail to features@starbulletin.com- excellent;
