Changing Hawaii

By Diane Yukihiro Chang

Friday, March 7, 1997

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Hello, I'm a woman --
or did you notice?

WOMEN. What do they want, anyway? For one thing, they crave an appropriate, non-demeaning and pleasant greeting in a world powered by men. Therefore, in the spirit of loving and helpful sisterhood, here's some advice to these real-life queries from women, and a few tidbits of enlightenment for the other 50 percent of the population:

"When sales clerks take a check in payment, they acknowledge my transaction by saying, 'Thank you, Mrs. So-and-So.' But I'm not married. Should I correct them?"

Yes, and pardon their ignorance as well. They don't realize that just because a woman is older and may have a few kids in tow, it doesn't necessarily mean there is a hubby waiting at home.

So, when sales people commit this faux pas, respond gently, "It's Ms. So-and-So."

If they checked their dictionaries, they would learn that Ms. is a "title of courtesy used before a woman's surname, without regard to her marital status."

We don't assume a guy is married when we address him as Mr., do we?

"How should I tell men whom I don't know very well -- or at all -- that I do NOT want to be hugged and kissed in greeting at business and social functions? I'd rather shake hands. But when they hold out their arms and start lunging for my face with puckered lips, I feel helpless."

This is certainly a common practice in Hawaii. Fortunately or unfortunately, this is the land of aloha. It certainly makes me squirm to witness high-powered women such as government leaders and company presidents being bussed on the cheek as if they were somebody's aunties.

Luckily, more men these days pause and wait for a sign from a woman as to how she wants to be greeted. For example, presenting a right palm clearly means, "Let's shake hands."

Those in the oblivious majority, however, must be dealt with firmly. One way to successfully fend off this widely practiced infringement on a woman's personal space is to thrust out a rigid right arm while taking a step backward. It works for me.

"Why don't we simply follow the lead of the Japanese by bowing to say hello and goodbye? Then we won't spread germs through shaking hands or by kissing."

This is an EXCELLENT idea! Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?

It is especially appealing because most men don't know how to shake a woman's hand correctly anyway. Either they barely grasp her fingers in a limp squeeze (because they don't want to hurt weak wimmin with their overpowering masculine brawn) or, conversely, crunch them as if they're wringing out a wet rag (yowwwcchhh!).

WOMEN meeting women. What is the proper rule of salutation in this case? The same as it is for a greeting between either of the sexes: If you are a woman and you know the man well, a hug and/or a kiss might be in order. If you are a woman, and you know and like the woman, ditto. And wouldn't it be nice to have a society where a male can hug and kiss another male, without everybody thinking he is drunk, gay, overly emotional or silly?

I'm ready now for the deluge of e-mail, letters and faxes from people urging me to lighten up and learn to love being treated as a woman. Viva la difference, they write. They obviously don't realize that a kissy hello from a near stranger says to a woman, "I see that you are female."

Believe me, she already knows.