I expect to be subpoenaed any day now to appear before the congressional committee investigating contributions to Bill Clinton and the national Democratic party. Latest scandal might
become Charley-gateI choose to confess now that I attempted to curry favor with the White House, before Senate investigators get to Hawaii to start dragging people into interrogation rooms. I'm not the brightest guy in the world, but I can see what's happening. The money-for-favors scandal started in China, moved to Guam and well, obviously, Hawaii will be the next domino to fall.
I can read the writing on the wall. It wouldn't take crack investigators long to uncover the fact that I gave Clinton a copy of my book "Honolulu Lite: Hey Tourist! Buy This Book!" I slipped it to him through a high-level political contact who I won't name unless I'm called before a grand jury and put under threat of contempt of court.
What the hell. It was John Waihee who gave my book to Clinton. Sorry, John. I hate to drag you into this scandal, but I'm not going down alone.
NOW, when you consider the millions of dollars funneled into Clinton's campaign and legal war chests, the donation of one little old book may not seem like much. But it retails for almost $8 and if Bill wanted to scrape up some burger money, he could probably sell it to some disreputable Washington, D.C., pawn shop for close to three bucks.
But it's really not the amount of money involved in the scandal but what was expected in return. Did I expect to get something back for giving a rather poor selling, thin book to the president? You're darn tootin'. For starters, I expected to be able to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom the next time I'm in Washington. I know, the going rate for sleeping in the Lincoln Bedroom is a $100,000 contribution. So maybe I
wouldn't get to stay there.
Maybe I'd get to hang around the guard shack for a few minutes or eat a sandwich with the kitchen staff. That would be fine. I realize eight bucks doesn't buy much influence these days. Besides, I've only been to Washington, D.C., once and that was by accident. I mistakenly got off the beltway early one morning on my way to Maryland and ended up in a part of Washington where there are no monuments and all the gas station attendants smell like they drank a jug of Old Trenchcoat for breakfast. I don't really see myself back in Washington any time soon.
But Bill likes to come to Hawaii. So I figured maybe I could capitalize on my payola and collect my favor the next time he was in town. Maybe he'd let me link up with him on the golf course. I don't have access to the military bases so this would be a great chance to play the Navy-Marine Golf Course again.
The most important thing about giving stuff to the president really is not what you get in return, but being able to convince people that you have access to the big guy. And I think it's pretty clear that I'm tight with Bill, since he's got a book of mine and everything.
I haven't played my "Bill's Buddy" card, yet. You don't use a connection like this lightly. You wouldn't, for instance, try to finagle your way out of a traffic ticket by using your connection to the White House. You save it for something really important, like when you accidentally stay out too late and your wife starts yelling at you. Then you say, "Honey, look, I'm sorry. I would have called. But, you know, Bill and I aren't really the kind of people who call home all the time. We need our space."
Well, maybe you wouldn't use it in that situation. I'm not sure when you'd use it. Saying you know Bill Clinton mainly is just going to cause a lot of laughter and derision in most cases.
So go ahead and subpoena me. I'm ready to tell all. Sure, I tried to bribe the president. And I'm proud of it. I'm an American, by God.
