T HE results are in from the "Stay Away Tourists" slogan competition and all I have to say is, boy, anyone who thinks I've got a bad attitude ought to wade through the ton of mail I received. Slogan contest hits
tourists where we hurtThis was only the second Semi-Kind-of-Annual Official Honolulu Lite T-Shirt Contest and, judging from the interest, I can only project that soon we will have more participants than the Great Aloha Run and the Honolulu Marathon combined. (Hey, how about a Honolulu Lite 1K Silly Walk, Run, Skate, Stagger, Skip and Crawl? Maybe next year.)
Anyway, the point of the contest was to come up with the best anti-tourist slogans to help keep tourists away from Hawaii. Now, this doesn't mean that I don't want tourists here. I love tourists. I think any state that can convince people to visit and simply leave money has quite a little scam going.
But all indications are that there are people in power in Hawaii who don't want tourists. These are the public officials and bureaucrats who try to ban smoking in restaurants and bars, impose outrageous taxes and fees specifically on tourists and make it so hard on small business people that they can't keep their tourist-related prices low.
So, I guess, this contest is what you might call "satire," or "sarcasm," a couple of the advanced weapons available to professional practitioners of investigative humorism.
Of course, this was missed by a few boobs who wrote me letters such as: "You anti-torist colume is absolutely discusting - shame on you - where's your aloha spirit?"
Anyway, of the many entries from people who actually have a sense of humor, the Honolulu Lite Select Committee of Judges (me and the guy who sits next to me) picked out the Top 3 winners. They are:
1. Hawaii: Kamaaina Rate! You Don't! (Miles R. Lahr)
All three entries were received via e-mail, so I can't tell you where these folks live, which is also going to make it hard for me to ship them their Honolulu Lite "Great Feeling, Less Taste" T-shirts.2. What the Hula you doing here? (Judy Rantala)
3. Hawaii! Gateway to Guam! (Joseph Novotny)
There were many other great slogans, but frankly, some were way too raunchy to print in a family newspaper. Some were too raunchy to print in Hustler magazine. Those, naturally, were the most entertaining, but I guess you'll have to trust me on that.
Some honorable mentions came from Lynnette Ogata's Moanalua High School English Department. Ogata used the contest as a writing exercise, which tells you something about the state of education in Hawaii. (That's a joke, kids.) The high school entries were great. There were also a lot of them, so I can only provide a few examples here, like Nicholas Andersen's "Kalihi - Oahu's Hidden Paradise!" and Jared Edward's "Waikele - Hawaiian For Tourist Trap."
In the non-school category, I also liked Cherie Chun's "Hawaii - The Stink Eye State."
So, there you go Council members, legislators, department heads and everyone else doing everything they can to kill the tourist industry. Now you've got a few good slogans you can use.
To those who didn't win, don't give up. You can come up with the next T-shirt contest. That's right, I'll award one T-shirt to the person who comes up with the best idea for the Next Semi-Kind-of-Annual Official Honolulu Lite T-Shirt Contest. A contest for a contest kind of deal.
The winning contest idea will be entertaining, open to all those who can read, will not involve hazing or excessive bleeding, allow me to get at least two columns out of it (three's better) and be funny.
Tourist entries are welcome as long as they come from the mainland or a foreign country.
