CALLING Johnnie Cochran. Calling Johnnie Cochran. You are needed in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. This doggy’s
gotten a bad rapYes, it's a homicide case full of intrigue. Yes, the defendant is a celebrity, with a easily recognizable name. And yes, the police and prosecutors apparently have put together an airtight case against him.
The defendant's name is Prince. But his alias is Houdini, because he has a knack for getting out of restraints. He's a dog. And according to Portsmouth authorities, he's a three-time loser who should get the death sentence.
His crimes: killing roosters. There's no doubt he did it. He's a rooster-killer for sure. But it's not his fault, according to his best friend, 5-year-old Jeffrey Kristiansen. Jeffrey, who looks like a young Kato Kaelin, says it is the rooster's fault.
"He's a nice dog and he never bit anyone," Jeffrey told reporters.
You're needed, Johnnie, because Prince is the first dog condemned to death under Portsmouth's "three-bites-and-you're-out" law. Authorities have scheduled a hearing next week to figure out the dog's fate.
But that's not all. Jeffery's mother, Margaret, also must face trial for letting the black Labrador run loose, terrifying the local rooster population.
The whole thing is a misunderstanding, Johnnie. But the cops are putting a spin on the evidence that makes the dog look guilty of the fowl deeds.
In reality, Johnnie, Prince is a victim. See, he just has this way of breaking out of collars and escaping from his dog run. That's why they call him Houdini. Once, after getting loose, he ran down to a local pond to ogle the chickens, ducks and geese. A rooster flew over the chain-link fence protecting the pond and, well, the bird practically jumped into the dog's mouth.
Unfortunately, it wasn't the first time Prince found roosters paw-lickin' good. And after he killed yet another rooster, the authorities collared him. Now he's in the joint.
The prosecutor admits that he's open to a flea bargain. His office has been buried by the "Free Houdini" lobby. A crack lawyer like yourself could probably help Houdini slip out of this legal straight jacket.
For one thing, you could show that it's not the dog's fault he keeps escaping. If his doggie collar was snug enough, he would remain tied up. You could tell the jury: If the collar doesn't fit, you must acquit.
Besides, eating poultry isn't exactly a crime. Look at all the precedents. You could call in an expert from KFC to testify about how hard it is for man or dog to ignore a nice, juicy drumstick.
And roosters are notoriously hen-izers. They crow constantly about their sexual conquests. Why, they think nothing of waking up the neighborhood every morning. Roosters won't find many friends on the jury, pal.
At the very least, you could show that the rooster killing was not premeditated. It was an accidental eat-and-run. A roostermeanor. Maybe you could get Prince off with a four-month stretch in the Hawaii Quarantine and Barking Facility? Pound for pound, it's one of the toughest in the country.
Of course, all this won't be much help to Jeff's mom. Especially if you can convince Prince to roll over and rat her out. Sure, dogs hate to turn on their masters, but Prince has got to realize that if he doesn't hand over Mrs. K., he'll be doing more than playing dead.
When Prince is finished testifying, you'll have to enroll him in the Federal Doggie Protection Program. They'll give him a new name and I don't think it will be The Dog Formerly Known As Prince. Finally, make the dog promise that he won't eat any more roosters. Make him shake on it.
