AS usual, I am in big trouble. Are you ready for some...
not so loud, huh?I was supposed to go to the NFC football practice yesterday at 9:30 a.m. to come up with a column for today.
Instead, I woke up - as singer Tom Waits would say - at the crack of noon.
It wasn't my fault, though. My dog ate my alarm clock.
OK, I don't really have a dog. Or an alarm clock.
Let's see, there was a lei hanging from my big toe when I pried my eyelids open with a pen, so I must have been at a party.
Oh, yeah. It was the Pro Bowl party at Gordon Biersch.
And now that I think about it, that's the best way for a fan to get in tip-top shape for the Pro Bowl at Aloha Stadium - which I have lovingly described in the past as the biggest drunken brawl this side of a London soccer match.
Yes, the skinheads would have a tough time cracking this lineup.
In fact, I heard that the Honolulu Police Department has set the over-under at 500 arrests this year, especially with the 3 p.m. kickoff.
Anyway, I didn't have a ticket for the party, but after threatening to sing the Bears' fight song for the third time in a row, they let me inside.
I immediately spotted NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue and even came within a few feet of him as I shoved my way to the bar.
Everyone was talking about Bill Parcells for some reason.
Hey, I don't understand why Parcells is still with the New York Giants, either. He . . .
Excuse me for a second. My editor is rapping on the top of my head with his empty coffee cup.
Parcells is the New England head coach? The Patriots were in the Super Bowl? How the heck did that happen?
Ha! The next thing you know, they'll be telling me that Dick Vermeil is back coaching in the NFL. Yeah, right. And maybe they'll dig up George Halas for the next opening.
A highlight of the party was when the NFL cheerleaders proved once and for all that they are NOT scantily clad sex objects who prance around the stadium sidelines every Sunday.
One of the cheerleaders said she has a computer company, while another told the audience that she owns a used-car dealership, or something like that.
All of them swore that they never had any contact with members of the Dallas Cowboys.
Unfortunately, I was standing with a group of male sexist pigs - my friends - who decided that the Rams had the hottest babe of the bunch.
(The publisher is now standing by for phone calls).
Then, I ran into Gov. Ben Cayetano, who told me how much weight he has lost as he made his way to the buffet line.
So I shared my secret for staying trim with the Guv: If you get hungry before noon, smoke a cigar and have a cup of coffee. If you get hungry after noon, smoke a cigar and have a beer.
My Uncle Al in Chicago gave me that formula when I was 11 years old and it has kept me at 6-foot-1 and 120 pounds ever since.
LET'S see, where was I? Oh, yeah. The Pro Bowl. Anyway, the party was a great warm-up for the big game Sunday between, uh, who's playing again?
Instead of giving a million bucks to some joker for kicking a field goal at halftime, they should award it to the first person who can remember the score after the game. Now there's a challenge.
Here's what you should pack for the game, especially if you're going on one of the tavern bus trips: a hard hat, a bulletproof vest, a machine gun and/or portable rocket launcher, brass knuckles, smelling salts in case one of your pals gets knocked unconscious, binoculars to see the fights in other sections - and a sleeping bag in case you miss your bus and have to spend the night in the parking lot.
And don't forget to bring plenty of cigars, coffee and beer for the entire family.
The food at Aloha Stadium is very expensive.