I can't believe they are recalling those Cabbage Patch dolls just because they occasionally chew the hair off a kid. New Cabbage Patch doll
really bitesI wish I had a box of them. They are going to be collector items in a few years. Like Lawn Darts. Remember them? Those were footlong darts that kids played with until someone figured out that it's not a good idea to have children lobbing pointed steel projectiles in each other's direction.
In the future, when all toys are either computer generated or made of Nerf material, old-timers are going to break out an ancient set of lawn darts and say, "See here? This is what we played with when we were kids. Playing was serious business back then. Could getcha killed."
Now the latest item to be banished to the Island of Misfit Toys is the Cabbage Patch doll that chews up stuff. It's supposed to chew up little plastic french fries. The plastic "food" passes through its little mouth and comes out through a hole in the back of its neck (not exactly what you call an anatomically correct scenario, but close enough for the toy biz.)
The problem is that the doll's mouth starts working whenever anything gets close. Kids tend to hug their dollies, so it wasn't long before the Cabbage Patch menace started scarfing down kids' hair. Chomp, chomp, chomp. The hair would disappear inside the doll's mouth. Then the kid would come screaming into a room with the doll firmly attached to the side of her head, the mouth still chomping away.
While I admit that's a pretty terrifying scene, it isn't really that dangerous. It's not like getting a lawn dart implanted in your frontal lobe.
Of course, lawsuits have now been filed. One kid's parents are suing for $25 million for punitive damages. That seems a bit excessive to me. There have been people who were killed in airplane crashes that didn't get $25 million. Heck, the old lady who spilled a boiling cup of McDonald's coffee in her lap didn't collect that much. The jury wouldn't have awarded $25 million even if Ronald McDonald tossed the coffee in the old lady's face when she reached the drive-through window.
SO Mattel Inc. has recalled the Cabbage Patch dolls. And people are taking them back, which I think is a mistake.
These dolls will be famous. They'll probably be featured prominently in the sequel to the movie Toy Story. It admittedly will be a darker version than the original. Buzz Lightyear (voice: Arnold Schwarzenegger) will go to the rescue of other toys being devoured by a berserk Cabbage Patch doll (voice: Sharon Stone) run amok.
At the very least, Mattel shouldn't give up on the Cabbage Patch dolls. No judge is going to dish out millions of bucks in damages to kids who have had a few hairs plucked out, knowing that in only a few years they probably will be piercing their own eyebrows with safety pins and branding the name of punk rock band members into their scalps.
Mattel just needs to find a politically correct way to re-release the dolls. I think packaging them as Supermodel Eating Disorder Dolls might work. People will have sympathy for the poor little dollies who can't control their appetite. Their entire lives are driven by society's demand that they look attractive. And so they eat and eat and eat, only to pass the undigested food through a hole in the back of their necks. Is there a better metaphor for bulimia than that?
A more practical application might be to simply add some sharp metal teeth and a large plastic receptacle to the dolls and re-issue them as designer office paper shredders. No office will be complete without the office Cabbage Patch Secret Agent Confidential Document Eater Doll.
