THERE I was, on a moonlit beach with Bo Derek, who was dressed as one of Santa's helpers in a skimpy red and white . . . A visit with my
uncle Al in ChicagoRrrrrring! Rrrrrring!
Oh, no. There goes that dream.
And judging by the phone call at 3 a.m. it could only be one person on the line.
"Hallooo, kid, Uncle Al here. I guess it's too late to wish ya a Happy New Year."
Why is that, Al?
"Well, you're out there on top of the continental date line in the Bahamas, right? So two days ago was New Year's for you."
No, Al, we celebrate New Year's on the same day here in Hawaii.
"Too bad, huh, kid? You coulda gave me the final scores of today's bowl games and I coulda bet 'em before the games even kicked off back here. I mighta made enough dough to come see ya out there in Jamaica."
Yeah, Al, too bad. How is everything back in Chicago?
"Well, it's colder than a witch's you-know-what, kid. I don't know how your aunt gets up at 5 in the morning to go to work at the factory every day. I can barely make it down to Hank's Saloon on the corner in time to watch Jeopardy without slipping on the ice and snow. The other day, the beer that I took for the walk was half-froze when I got there - and it's only a block away."
THAT'S tough, Al. Looks like the Bulls are staying hot, though.
"Yeah, and did ya hear about the nice civic gesture that Dennis Rodman made? He let the city decorate his hair so they wouldn't have to buy a Christmas tree. But then he got too cold standing there outside of city hall on Christmas Eve. Must have been that short skirt he was wearing. And he should have at least wore a sweater over that bra."
That's really something, Al. What did you get for Christmas?
"Ah, the usual, kid. A box of cigars from all the nieces and another year of Playboy from the nephews. I bought your aunt a new snow blower to use, but she said something about sticking it where the snow doesn't blow, whatever that means."
How was your New Year's Eve, Al?
"It must have been good, kid. I'm still wearing the neighbor's lamp shade and I've got the channel locks out to try to get this paper horn out of my right ear. One more tug should do it."
Sounds like you had quite a night, Al.
"The last thing I remember, kid, was arguing about the White Sox signing that guy from Cleveland, Albert Bells. I said who cares if he's a creep as long as he can hit the thing out of the park. But your Uncle Anvil said that Bells was too violent of a person and a bad example for our youth. Then he conked me over the head with the champagne bottle when I wouldn't agree with him. Luckily it wasn't opened yet so none of it spilled out."
HEY, Al, did you see me on national TV? I was covering the Rainbow Classic basketball tournament at the University of Hawaii.
"Yeah, kid. I was up real late watching that SPEN station and there you were at courtside. I recognized the long, thick brown hair. It's amazing you ain't getting bald like the rest of your family, kid. But who was that weirdo sitting next to you, the guy with the big nose and the red cap? Then when he took the hat off for the National Anthem, you talk about the rocket's red glare. Why his head was so shiny you needed sun glasses even watching all the way from here in Chicago."
OK, Al, OK. Glad you saw me. Next time I'll wave.
"Well, kid. I better get off the phone. I got a small pizza coming to go with this case of beer to watch the bowl games. That reminds me, kid, I better have Hank send down another 12-pack from the corner just in case your Uncle Anvil stops by. Sorry I was a couple of days late in wishing you a Happy New Year's, kid.
"I'd blow the horn for you over the phone if I could get it out of my ear!"