Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Wednesday, January 1, 1997

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1996: There was Lite
at the end of tunnel

I know some of you are in no condition to read this column today. So I'm typing quietly and trying to use simple words so that you don't get a New Year's Eve-induced brain cramp.

You may recall from Monday's column that I am reviewing a year of Honolulu Lite. If you aren't up to it, set the newspaper down gently, go back to bed and start the new year tomorrow. For the rest of you, here we go:

Spring Cleaning: Honolulu Lite boldly went where most columns fear to tread. We analyzed the following stories: A Eureka, Calif., woman who grabbed babies from total strangers and began breast feeding them; plans to auction off property belonging to serial killer and sometimes-gourmand Jeffrey Dahmer, including his murder implements; (talk about bad taste.); and a 73-year-old woman who claimed a Bingo board fell on her head at church, causing her to begin having spontaneous orgasms.

Sotheby's auctioned off chunks of Camelot, specifically a bunch of junk belonging to Jackie O. and JFK. I decided to have the Charley Oh! auction and try to dump some of my memorabilia, like the thousands of pogs I got stuck with and tooth fillings. Didn't work.

In May, a Japanese investment whiz published an article saying the reason Japanese investors lost money in Hawaii in the 1980s was because Hawaii workers had a bad attitude. I thought it was because Japanese investors bought houses from their limos and paid millions more for golf courses and hotels than they were worth. But I've just got a bad attitude.

Also in May, a stealth bomber capable of wiping out thousands of unsuspecting people in a single bombing run was officially named the "Spirit of Hawaii." I think this is what they call irony. Aloha means s'long!

Mayor Jeremy Harris met in the summer with a bunch of admitted gang members in his office. Some residents thought this odd. Especially after watching the young men swagger out of the mayor's office having achieved their goal of becoming officially recognized punks.

Bubbas the world over received bad publicity when in August Richard Jewell was accused of being the Olympic Park bomber. He was singled out by the FBI because he matched the new profile of what a terrorist bomber is supposed to look like, mainly a bubba. Turned out the FBI was wrong. But I don't flash my Bubba Club card around anymore.

Bob Dole ran for president. I think.

In August, I got a personal letter from President Clinton, thanking me for sending him a copy of my book, "Hey Tourist! Buy This Book!" I promptly retracted every bad thing I've said about the Prez. I may be shallow, but I'm at least I'm predictable. Yet, I still don't want to hug him.

In September, I provided a needed public service by helping people figure out if they were mokes. The moke test contained a number clues, including "If you think Push-Up Bra is a guy who lifts you up to the windows of houses you want to burglarize, you might be a moke."

The Hawaii elections went off with few surprises; except that Peter Carlisle was elected city prosecutor even though he sent out a Christmas card in 1995 showing his entire family wearing hula skirts and coconut shell bras. (Milton Holt and Rey Graulty, defeated in the election, immediately ran out to find some coconut bras for 1998.)

While Hawaii still struggles with the gay marriage issue, in San Francisco, serial killer Richard "The Night Stalker" Ramirez was allowed to wed in prison at taxpayer expense. There is something extremely odd about a society that won't allow two law-abiding citizens who love each other to legally share their lives together but allows a genetic mutant like Ramirez to wed and possibly spread his evil seed ... Maybe we'll do better in 1997! Happy New Year.

The Honolulu Lite online archive is at:
http://starbulletin.com/lite/litemain.htm

Honolulu Lite by Charles Memminger is a regular feature of the
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