Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Friday, December 27, 1996

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Not listening to the forest
for the trees

IS there no truth anymore?

To find out, the Organization for the Search of Truth and Other Strange Anomalies recently held a forum attended by experts in many fields. The question put to the group was simple: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound?

Here are some of the results:

Los Angeles Police Department Forensic Pathologist: The tree weighed 8,243 pounds and was 52 meters in length. It caused an indentation in the ground (silt loam) to a depth of 1.4 meters. Tree would have reached a velocity of 43 miles per hour before impact. Based on a computer model, only one tree in 934,567 which fell in such a manner would NOT make a noise. Therefore, it can be definitively stated that the tree might have made a noise.

Expert #1 (Ph.D in the field of Large, Falling Vegetation): When large, heavy objects hit the ground with great force, they do make a sound. The object tree was large and heavy and did hit the ground, therefore, it is my professional opinion, that it did make a sound.

Expert #2 (Ph.D in the field of Trees Found in a Horizontal Position in Forests: Since there were no eyewitnesses to the tree actually falling, one would have to consider that the tree grew in a horizontal manner and therefore emitted no noise at any time.

Expert #3 (Ph.D in Perceived Reality of Sound Waves): Sound waves are created when two physical bodies suddenly attempt to occupy the same location in the space-time continuum. But like waves on the ocean that only break when they reach a shore, sound waves actually make no "noise" until they come in contact with the human ear. Therefore, without an ear to reflect off of, the falling tree would not have produced a sound.

Marcia Clark: The tree deliberately and with malice aforethought made a noise when it fell.

Mark Fuhrman: I didn't plant the tree, so stop bugging me.

Texaco Executive: Whatever the tree said is a damn lie. We love trees at Texaco and would never speak ill of them.

DNA expert: The tree's DNA was damaged in the fall and so it was impossible to test it to see if it was of a noise-making species.

Jenny Jones: The tree definitely knew it would be falling. Our producer informed the tree that it would part of a show entitled "Trees, Do They Fall or What?" Whether it made a noise is not the issue. The issue is whether I or any of my staff deliberately mislead the tree. We didn't.

The Tree's Friend: It came as a shock. He seemed so happy. But he wasn't the talkative type. So I doubt if he made a sound when he fell. That's just the kind of tree he was.

Hillary Clinton: I don't remember.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Trees: It is outrageous that humans would use a tree in this manner. Yes, it made a sound. It cried. It was a living thing and you killed it.

Johnny Cochran: If it's on the ground, it made a sound. But the cops are just trying to cover it up.

Presidential Spokesman Mike McCurry: While our records do show that the tree made a $300,000 contribution to the Clinton Legal Defense Fund, the money was returned and any insinuation that the White House arranged for the tree to fall so it wouldn't make a sound is purely hypothetical. And it shows the need for the right-wing, extremist Congress to pass bipartisan legislation to limit campaign donations by inanimate objects.

So, there you go. While common sense would seem to dictate that a tree falling in the forest would make a sound whether anyone is around to hear it, that apparently isn't the case. We live in a time where the more information we receive, the less clear things become. Everything is relative. And that's the truth.

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