AS many of you know, the goal of Honolulu Lite is not only to educate, entertain, uncover controversial subjects and make fun of them, but also to make life better for everyone in Hawaii, particularly me. I’ll trade you a song
for a T-shirtMaking life better for me generally involves making life easier for me, meaning requiring me to do less work. That makes me happy. And if I'm happy, I can make you happy.
So in keeping with this noble mandate, I have come up with the First Honolulu Lite Christmas Carol Column Contest. The purpose of this contest is two-fold: 1) Entertain readers with a lively, humorous Christmas Day column and 2) have someone else do most of the work.
I do this because it suddenly occurs to me that for the first time in Honolulu Lite history, the column will actually appear on Christmas Day and I still have a sleigh-load of shopping to do. So I am enlisting the aid of all you little reader elves.
Here's the deal. It just so happens that thanks to months of whining, begging and groveling, I have convinced the newspaper management to finance the production of Official Honolulu Lite T-shirts. This is true. They really exist. And they are destined to be collectors' items. On the back is a cool design of a beer can by Star-Bulletin artist extraordinaire Kevin Hand, with a picture that makes me look like a chipmunk with a goatee. The T-shirt says, "Honolulu Lite, Great Feeling, Less Taste."The thing is they aren't for sale. Not at Columnists R' Us. Not even on QVC. Which means they are going to be more in demand than those stupid "Tickle Me Elmo" stuffed animals.
THE only way you can get an official Honolulu Lite T-shirt is to help do my Christmas column for me. And to do that, you have to win the First Honolulu Lite Christmas Carol Column Contest. Here are the rules:
1. Take any well-known Christmas carol and rewrite at least one verse so that it reflects Christmas in Hawaii. That means, it can be in pidgin, Portagee, Victorian-haole or any other politically correct dialect officially sanctioned by comedian Frank DeLima.
2. Entry has to be original, or at least obscure enough so I don't recognize it and can claim plausible deniabilty when the lawyers come calling.
3. "The Twelve Days of Christmas" cannot be used, since it's too damn long and has been done to death.
4. The best five entries will receive the official Honolulu Lite T-shirts. (Exactly which ones appear in the column depends on the length of the entries. If there is one super-duper entry that takes up the whole column, well, bingo, time to party. But I'd like to include several short samples.)
5. Winners' names will be announced in an upcoming column, unless a particular winner is currently wanted by authorities or is in the Federal Witness Protection Program. We don't snitch.
6. You can increase your chances of winning by including all or any of the following words in your entry: booger, Charley, French Aubusson tapestry, wart-head, shave ice, Heather Locklear or pancreas. (Any entry mentioning "macarena" will be automatically disqualified unless used in connection with the phrase "machine-gunned to death.")
7. Because of time constraints, entries should NOT be sent by U.S. mail. (These mail guys are busy enough this time of year and we don't want to be responsible for anyone "going postal" during the holidays). Instead, drop off your entry at the News Building, 605 Kapiolani Blvd., fax it to 523-7863, or send it via e-mail to 71224.113@compuserve.com. Make sure you include a return address and shirt size (as if your entry has a chance, ho, ho).
So, get those entries in fast and become a Christmas carol columnist. Santa knows I could use a break.
