THE holiday season is one of the few times of the year most of us get to see entire animals roasted up for our amusement. Love creatures -
big, small and edibleSo naturally, anti-animal-eaters like to make sure we feel as guilty as possible and use this season to push their radical agenda of forcing the entire world to subsist on bean sprouts and wheat chaff.
There is an even more radical group that believes that even plants have rights and feelings and shouldn't be murdered for human consumption. Ironically, these people believe in capital punishment for anyone who slays a vegetable.
But we are going to ignore the People for the Ethical Treatment of Vegetables (PETV) for now and concentrate on animal lovers who wish to deprive us of our God-given right to cook up small beasties for our holiday pleasure.
Now, I admit that most meat eaters are raving hypocrites. They want to consume critters of all shapes and sizes but they don't want to be in on the actual kill. This provides the animal rights people with their best ammunition against carnivores. It proves that deep in their hearts, meat eaters know that killing animals for food is wrong, or, at the very least, extremely messy, and so they know they shouldn't do it. But since meat eaters have exercised centuries of self-denial to mentally gloss over this fact, they have absolutely no trouble happily carving up a hot, juicy goose, turkey or piglet while jolly Christmas tunes play in the background. ('Tis the season to eat Rudolph, tra, la, la, la!)
THERE are two kinds of anti-animal-eaters: Those who believe that animals actually have rights and those who think that human beings are screwing up the planet by causing certain animal species to die out. We are just going to ignore the first group because it's impossible to reason with anyone who believes a hamster has rights.
We will talk about the other guys, who believe humans should stop all endangered species from dying out. I've noticed that these people are awfully choosy as to which species they want to protect. They want to save dolphins but care less about tuna. They want to save silk worms but think nothing of smashing a cockroach. They want to save all large animals, like elephants, cows and ostriches, but apparently aren't so hot for life forms they can't see, like those tiny mites that live in our eyebrows. I saw a documentary recently that said a majority of living creatures on the planet are so small, they can't even be seen with the average microscope. But when you put them under one of those massive plutonium-fired microscopes, they look just like a bunch of hairy little Volkswagens tromping around all over our bodies.
How come you never see some group protesting to "Save The Weird Little Volkswagen Mite"? Because they don't care. Who knows, maybe every time a new deodorant comes out, it wipes out an entire species of armpit mite. You don't see any National Geographic specials worrying about the impact that extinction will have on the earth.
But, boy, you shoot a couple of whales and everyone acts like the world is going to end.
I thought evolution depended on certain species dying out in favor of ones that can hack it. In a way, we've been carrying a lot of these species who would have died out long ago. Like turkeys. Let's face it, turkeys aren't the most heavily armed creatures in the animal kingdom.
So, in a way, we are doing turkeys a favor by raising them on nice, safe farms. They get to run around for a while, meet a few other turkeys, and then become the centerpiece to a well-set table.
We should treat them humanely while they are alive, not because they have rights, but because it's the right thing for us to do. Besides, if God turns out to be covered with feathers, we are going to be in big, big trouble.
