THE trouble with life is just when you think you've got it figured out, you learn something that shakes your entire belief system. A close shave
for a hairy situationLike, I just found out that Gillette Co., the folks who make shaving lotion and razors, used to use animals to test their products.
According to a Gillette official, the company has not used animals for the past three years to test such products as Right Guard deodorant and White Rain shampoo.
But it still is shocking. Think of the long-term effects of teaching animals basic hygiene and then cutting them off.
I can just imagine a bunch of animals sitting around in cages at the Gillette Testing Facility.
Woodchuck 1: Hey, Charley, I hate to be rude, but your deodorant just ain't cutting it these days.
Woodchuck 2: Oh, yeah, beaver-breath? Well, you're not exactly smelling like a field of posies yourself. It just so happens that they cut my Right Guard allotment back to once a month. And look how nappy my pelt has gotten since we can't shampoo anymore. It's disgraceful.
Woodchuck 1: Could be worse, buddy boy. See that guy down there on the end?
Woodchuck 2: Yeah. What the hell kind of varmint is that, anyway?
Woodchuck 1: A weasel. Willy the Weasel.
Woodchuck 2: That's Willy? My god! What happened to him. He's naked as a newborn skink.
Woodchuck 1: They tested that new eight-blade shaver on him. Hey, Willy! How you doin' down there?
Willie: Freezin', man. Anyone got a blanket? Someone turn up the thermostat a notch, will ya?
Woodchuck 2: I thought they weren't testing shavers on us anymore.
Willie: So did I. But the other night they grabbed me out of my cage, strapped me in a barber's chair, lathered me up and went after me with the new Gillette Habeus Corpus Due Process Shaving System.
Woodchuck 1: Whoa. Sounds serious.
Willie: No kidding. The first blade stands the hair up. The second reads it its rights. The third asks for reasonable bail. The fourth denies it. The fifth files an appeal. The sixth pronounces the hair guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. The seventh reads the 23rd Psalm. And the eighth cuts it.
Woodchuck 2: Must have been horrible.
Willie: Actually, it was a nice, comfortable shave. No knicks or cuts or violations of the Miranda Grooming Rule. I think I got a fair shave. Then they doused me with Hai Karate. It's just that without my fur, I'm colder than a otter navel on an iceberg.
Woodchuck 1: You know, if one of us could escape, we could let the animal rights people know that they are still testing grooming products on us.
Woodchuck 2: Well, I'd go, but I'm scheduled for a perm next week. And god knows I could use it. I haven't been able to do a thing with my bangs since they stopped testing the Gillette White Trash Trailer Park Big Swoop of Hair in the Front Gel.
Woodchuck 1: Yeah, I guess you're right. It's not such a bad deal living here. Especially since they quit testing those Epiladys on us. What genius thought that ripping underarm hairs out with a machine was the way to go?
Woodchuck 2: They had one big Christmas sale and after that, the hair-yanking machine bit the dust. Thank goodness.
Woodchuck 1: Willie's happy it's over. He was part of the
Epilady-testing program.
Woodchuck 2: Must have been hair raising.
Willie: Ha. Ha. I don't want to talk about it. My pits still haven't recovered.
Woodchuck 2: Sorry, Willy. Hey, someone down there turn up the thermostat! Yeah, you, the muskrat with the pompadour. Little help! We got a freezin' weasel down here!
