WHEN a girl nears the age of 13 her mother becomes her enemy. The mom who was once Wonder Woman transforms into an evil stepmother, a disease, a pest. Just the look of her can disgust you and send you into fits of retching. Mom a wonder
through trying adolescenceThat's how it was for me and my mom. It seemed that as soon as I hit my teens, war was proclaimed. Me against her. Battles were frequent, relating to curfews, boys, friends, anything and everything about my life.
Often, there were times when no issue in particular was in dispute. The topic of nothing can sometimes be the greatest argumentative pieces. A fight could blow up over the most minor thing, such as what radio station was playing, or why no one ordered a cheese pizza.
The thing is that during those years you don't see that your mother is actually not the biggest moron on earth. You don't see that you really don't know it all. You don't really hate her. You may think you do, but you don't. It's rather like something once said by Mark Twain: "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."
Just a little while ago, a young woman not much older than my 17 years told me that eventually my mom and I would start getting along. We'd even become pals. I laughed. I said, "No way, I don't know what planet you're coming from, but I don't think so."
THEN things started to change. I grew up (sort of). I began to look at my mom and see the woman who gave what she could to her children, and it was the most she could give.
Children see moms as perfect. She's supposed to know everything 'cause she's your mom, right? When you grow older and see that she has faults, you begin to focus on this and see an ordinary woman, not Wonder Mom. But she is. It takes an incredible woman to put up with one whining, bratty teen, let alone three.
Family members would tell me that I was like my mother, that out of all her children, I was the most similar to her. I used to scoff at these ideas and pray that this would never happen, that I would not turn into my mother!
But lately I see it in myself. The things I say or the gestures I make, even my opinions are things that could have come from my mother. Surprisingly, this doesn't upset me. It scares the heck out of me, but it doesn't bother me at all.
Today, my relationship with my mom is OK. It can't be described as perfect, but we are slowly, with effort, reaching an improved phase in our bond with each other.
Thinking of past difficulties, I think the break that originated our "feud" is the inability of parents to communicate with their teens. Here are a couple of hints for parents that I think may help:
Avoid giving advice or trying to solve all our problems.
Too many parents try so hard to play a role in their teen-ager's personal life that they don't realize the best way to be a part of it may be simply to stay out of it. If you follow this route, your teen may let you in himself or herself.
When I look at the past and all that was said and done, the shame and idiocy of it disgusts me. Not mom. Sure, we fight and we're not nearly the best of buds we could be. But we will be.
I can see the changes. What we went through is just a process that people go through in growing up. In the end, your opinion of mom goes back to your original thought. The woman who gave you life is indeed a wonder.
Sarah Tumacder is a senior at Kaiser High School. Rant & Rave is a Tuesday Star-Bulletin feature allowing teens and young adults to serve up fresh perspective. Guys and girls speak up by fax at 523-8509; by answering machine at 525-8666; snail mail at P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail, features@starbulletin.com