PASS the salt and pepper, please. One column,
with all the fixings, pleaseHopefully, it will make last Friday's column - which predicted that Mike Tyson would knock out Evander Holyfield in the first round - taste a little better.
OK, calm down. I didn't see anyone else from the media picking Holyfield, although bettors made a killing for a change.
Gee, it might take the Las Vegas sports books a whole day or two to recover. Or one weekend of football.
Seriously, though, the losses had to be in the millions for the wiseguys when a betting line incredibly tumbles from 25-1 to 5-1 - and then hits.
Here is my excuse for being so wrong: IT WAS FIXED!
How do I know?
Well, Don King said after the huge upset that "credibility has returned to boxing."
So, obviously it hasn't. Plus, King was flashing that big grin, which translates to this thought beneath the spiky hairdo: There are millions and millions more dollars on the way with a rematch.
Even Tyson was civil after the unexpected defeat, which makes no sense at all for someone who would get a chuckle out of an elderly woman slipping and falling beneath a bus.
Of course, Tyson pocketed a cool 30 million bucks, which will soothe the poor lad's pain.
Plus, why did inexperienced Mitch Halpern get the huge job of refereeing the fight when veteran tough guy Mills Lane was the ref for an undercard bout?
Lane could have quickly broken Holyfield's constant clinches, while Halpern might as well have been sitting in the fifth row. He did stop it at the right time, though - probably when the guys in the dark glasses gave the thumbs down.
And how does a so-called heart condition suddenly disappear, as Holyfield claims? Good lord, a boxing miracle. Hallelujah!
Then there is the round-per-round cable purchase that was available for the first time - and, gee whiz, the fight goes 11 rounds instead of one or two.
Plus, as I mentioned, the odds went from 25-1 to 5-1, which is unheard of - and makes it look as if word quickly got around Sin City that the fix was in.
OK, OK. You're right. I have absolutely no proof that the fight was fixed, but at least I feel better now.
ACTUALLY, Holyfield fought an outstanding tactical fight. He wasn't intimidated by Tyson's early charges and avoided some big shots in the first few rounds.
Then he moved in and held Tyson close, defusing his deadly uppercut and kept his spacing throughout the fight.
Tyson - who came in a bit heavier than usual - then became frustrated and tired himself out with a lot of wild punches. An early unintentional head butt that cut his eye also helped Holyfield.
But here's my final analysis: Holyfield kicked Tyson's ass.
He deserves the heavyweight title and now we have the unusual scenario of a genuine nice guy wearing the crown.
So what's next?
Definitely a rematch between the two, probably this spring. It should be a great fight, if Tyson can adjust his style and Holyfield can get in such excellent shape again.
The winner then would likely fight - and defeat - overrated Michael Moorer, which would set up Tyson-Holyfield III.
Now looking in from the outside is Riddick Bowe, who could beat all three of them if he decided to get in proper shape.
And old George Foreman refuses to go away, although he might not have a choice with Tyson's defeat.
An up-and-coming heavyweight to watch is Henry Akiwande, a giant guy who looks like Hakeem Olajuwon with boxing gloves on.
In the meantime, how about a prediction for the next Tyson-Holyfield fight?
Forget about it. At least until I digest that last column.