by Charles Memminger
Monday, September 23, 1996
This is a first. I mean, four years at Aiea High and I NEVER was accused of being mean to mokes.
The column was a takeoff on comedian Jeff Foxworthy's routine about rednecks. I was merely pointing out that, because mokes come in all shapes, sizes and ethnicities, there's a chance that you could be a moke and not know it. So I had a list of clues to help you determine if you are a moke or not. Like, if you consider geckos a regular source of protein, you could be a moke.
Well, the DJs thought I was being mean. I wasn't. I was trying to be funny. But there's a thin line between funny and mean. In fact, once I was explaining humor to a motorcycle club member who hadn't liked something I had written. And he said, "Oh, yeah, well some of us think beating up a newspaper guy would be pretty funny."
See? I don't think that's funny. I would think that falls into the mean category. It's all a matter of perspective.
Anyway, after saying my moke column was mean, radio station listeners apparently started calling in with their own definitions of what a moke is and apparently their definitions were a lot meaner than mine were. So there you go. Perspective.
But I started thinking that maybe in the spirit of fairness, I should do the flip side of a "You Could Be Moke" column. I guess the complete opposite of a moke would be someone who isn't the least bit local.
Being local is a big deal.
Some people live in the islands for years and never become local. And they don't even know it. If you think you might fall into that category, check out the following list. Then you'll know for sure.
If you think laulau is a Chinese law firm, you might not be local.
If you won't eat a Spam musubi just because it's been on an unrefrigerated shelf for a few days and the meat's gone slightly green, you might not be local.
If you think "Hey, Haole!" is a Hawaiian greeting, you might not be local.
If some mean-looking guy yells "Hey, Haole!" and you wave and yell "Hey, haole!" back at him, you might not be local. (You also might not be standing.)
If you think "Howzit, Brah!" is an article of apparel, you might not be local. (I know, that's kind of like the Wonder Bra joke I used in the moke column. Tough.)
If you think stopping your car in the middle of the street and holding up traffic to talk to a friend from high school is rude, you might not be local.
If you tell someone you'll meet them at 6 p.m. and actually get there on time, you might not be local.
If you think "Manapua" is a neighborhood near Aiea, you might not be local.
If you pronounce Kamehameha "kammy-ha-haa," you might not be local.
If you go to a college football game without spending several hours milling around in the parking lot first, you might not be local.
If you think zori is a Mexican sword fighter, you might not be local.
If you wonder why so many people wear aloha shirts inside out, you might not be local.
If you think Perry and Price are plaintiffs in the same-sex marriage trial, you might not be local.
If you've ever said "hold the rice balls" while ordering a plate lunch, you might not be local.
If you don't consider mayonnaise a necessary condiment for chili, you might not be local.
If you've ever stuck chopsticks in your nose and said, "Look, I'm a walrus!" you might not be local.
If you qualify for any more than three of those definitions, you probably aren't local. And I'm not just saying that to be mean.
