by Charles Memminger
Wednesday, September 18, 1996
Our first story comes to us from Brazil. Here's the lead as it came over the wire: BRASILIA (Reuter) - Police were investigating the suspicious death of a goat running for mayor in a northeastern Brazilian town, newspapers reported.
Personally, I don't think there are enough leads like that in today's newspapers. It's a grabber.
The story goes on to say: Frederico the Goat had been leading in opinion surveys in Pilar, 24 miles from the city of Maceio, since his owner Petrucio Maia launched the animal on the campaign trail as a protest candidate in October's municipal elections.
Fabulous. Them Brazil nuts know how to run an election.It's too bad that Frederico the Goat was assassinated.
I wonder if it's too late to slip an aardvark in the Honolulu mayor's race.
Why an aardvark? Well, we've already got an old goat running. (Just joking there, Frankie. That's so baaaad.)
Speaking of nutty mayors, take a look at this story from the Philippines: MANILA (Reuter) - A Philippine mayor who shut hundreds of bars in an effort to rid Manila of prostitutes is on the warpath again - against flies and cockroaches.
It seems that hizzoner Alfredo Lim's idea is to pay folks for flies and roaches in order to get rid of them.
Residents carrying 2,000 insects in plastic bags lined up to be paid about six cents for 10 flies or cockroaches. Lim said he'd pay eight cents for a rat.
I like the mayor's spunk, but I doubt this idea would work here. There are just too many entrepreneurs. Can anyone say Roach Ranch?
Now we jump over to Taiwan where this disturbing dispatch originated: TAIPEI (Reuter) - Taiwanese may have been eating cakes and breads made illegally from animal feed for as long as two years, an investigator said.
Personally, I've always adhered to the Never-Look-Too-Closely-At-The-Inside-Of-A-Manapua school of eating, but you sort of assume that at least your doughnuts are OK.
It turns out that some Taiwanese importers cut corners by bringing in animal feed powder from Australia and then selling it to Taiwanese bakers. The bakers have been turning out cakes and bread with the stuff.Investigators say they don't know whether food made from the feed could be harmful to humans.
Harmful? No. Come on. Everyone knows that Australian animal feed is probably perfectly fit for humans. Hell, the Australians consider Vegemite, a disgusting black yeast extract paste, fit for human consumption. The fact that half of Taiwan is hopping around like kangaroos is just a coincidence.
Finally, we go to the other side of the world where we learn: AMSTERDAM, Netherlands (Reuter) - The head of a Dutch bird protection society was hospitalized with a concussion and a broken cheekbone after being knocked down by a dead goose.
It seems that the Friesian Society for the Protection of Birds has an interesting way of protecting birds (i.e. it shoots them.)
Well, the Friesians don't control the irony market. It appears that Anne Osinga, society chairman, was on one of these bird protection outings when a companion shot a 6-pound goose. Osinga gandered as the deceased fowl fell 75 feet and landed smack on his melon, knocking him out.
That's one for the geese. And, as the saying goes, what's good for the goose is good for the ganderer.
Anne should just be happy he wasn't chairman of the Friesian Hippo Protection Society.
