Wow! This could be just what we need to bring voting into the 21st century. Welcome to Mortal Elections, a game based on Street Fighter II - the standard in video arcade combat.
An election commission of computer game wonks has turned candidates into animated video warriors with weapons based on their real strengths and weaknesses.
Voters in precincts will battle their digital heroes against other voters and their electronic politicos. Precinct winners advance to regionals. It'll end election night on giant-screen TV with a gala face-off of the top regional voters.
In the mayor's game, voters can pick a warrior from "Guile" Harris, "Ryu" Morgado or "Zangief" Fasi.
"Guile" Harris' weapon is his Technocratic Trancer. It bores opponents into a stupor, then buries them under a mountainous pile of technical jargon like "critical mass," "managerial context" and "engineering opportunities."
"Guile" Harris' weakness is his tendency to trip over himself trying to please everybody.
"Ryu" Morgado's weapon is the Ethnic CardPlayer. It shoots out thinly veiled racial appeals like "Local Roots, Local Values." It borrows the strategy of another former NFL running back, O.J. Simpson: If you can't win the race on the issues, make the issue race.
"Ryu" Morgado's weakness is that he's straining so hard to project an image of sincerity that even he's gagging on the saccharine.
"Zangief" Fasi's weapon is the Super LieUrinator, a double-barreled pee pee device. One end sprays accusations that his opponents are telling lies about him. The other end sprays lies about his opponents.
"Zangief" Fasi's weakness is the voice of the late Mayor Johnnie Wilson whispering in his ear. "Frankie," the voice says, "remember when you ran against me in 1952? Remember how you pounded at my age and said they ought to put me out to pasture and give me a pension? Who's the old man now, Frankie? Isn't it grand how what goes around comes around?"
Let's fast-forward to election night and see how this all turns out:
"Zangief" Fasi opens with his LieUrinator blazing, accusing "Guile" Harris of lying about who really got the t-shirt vendors out of Waikiki. He then tries to level opponents with a lie of his own, falsely claiming that they both support 9-month abortions.
"Guile" Harris and "Ryu" Morgado are unscathed and return fire. "Ryu" Morgado gets off a blast with his Ethnic CardPlayer, but it doesn't land. "Zangief" Fasi has been around so long that voters regard him as local.
dc2 GUILE" Harris fires his Technocratic Trancer and scores a hit. "Zangief" Fasi gets so bored that he drifts back to 1952 and resumes his battle with Johnnie Wilson.
"Frankie, who's the old man now?" Wilson needles. "Liar!" Fasi retorts, but he's trapped in 1952 and can't get back into the 1996 election.
Back in 1996, "Ryu" Morgado's Ethnic CardPlayer is scoring, but "Guile" Harris' Technocratic Trancer is awesome in its monotony.
It knocks out not only "Ryu" Morgado, but the entire viewing audience as well. The computer is left in an infinite loop, intoning: "engineering opportunities ... engineering opportunities ... engineering opportunities ..."
Where's that crazy kid who said this was a good idea?
