Why is everyone so alarmed by Hawaii's loss to Wyoming?
Heck, a 6-0 defeat on the road isn't that bad. If the Rainbows could have scored just one touchdown . . .
Excuse me for a second. My editor is poking the top of my head with a sharpened pencil.
Oh, it was 66-0, he just informed me. In that case: The sky is falling! Run for your life! Sharks! Fire Fred vonAppen! Bring back Bob Wagner and Larry Price!
Sorry for not knowing the score, but I prefer to watch college football - not WAC games - on Saturday morning.
OK, I'll admit to watching the first half of the UH game, but please don't tell anyone.
If my dad found out that I missed even one play of the Notre Dame game, which was on at the same time, he would immediately cut off my allowance.
And I would have to change my name to Mike Aloha.
Anyway, here's my initial reaction to the UH game: Why wasn't it on the Comedy Channel?
Now, of course, every UH football fan is in a state of deep depression. So I will take it upon myself to calm the Rainbow masses. Here are some possible solutions:
Switch teams and coaching staffs with St. Louis School for the remainder of the season.
Nah. That won't work. The improvement would be too drastic and the rest of the league would catch on.
Demand that BYU immediately give Kaipo McGuire to UH as the player-to-be-named-later in the theft of lineman Joe Wong.
Nope. Bad idea. The Cougars would just send Wong on a six-month mission to a Gold's Gym in Arizona. And Norm Chow would tell UH officials: "We don't know what you're talking about. We have a student named Hauoli Wong enrolled here, but no Joe Wong. Sorry. Have a nice day."
Here's an idea. Everyone in the state of Hawaii should stop eating for a week to bring the Rainbows good luck. Hey, it worked for that Tongan boxer who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
No, scratch that one. The plate lunch industry would crash, sending Hawaii's economy into a horrible tailspin, which would result in the immediate closing of the university - not to mention all of the hostess bars.
Hmmm. How about this one?
Don't worry about the lopsided defeat in Laramie. And forget the close game against Boston College, also a lousy team, and even the loss at the hands of Ohio "Not Ohio State" University.
Just remember that this was originally going to be a long and difficult rebuilding season, which it obviously is. Celebrate the fact that the team has already found a decent quarterback of the future in young Josh Skinner.
VonAppen and his staff should also calm down a bit and realize that the shock of moving to Hawaii will wear off in a few months. Just get through this season and concentrate on recruiting.
The reason that this team is so bad is because of poor recruiting by Wagner and company. They aimed too high after the Holiday Bowl season and got shot down - then had trouble landing even the middle-level recruits.
And please stop complaining about how hard it is to recruit players to Hawaii. How did Wyoming come up with such a good team? Their fan support, locker rooms and facilities are worse than here.
Plus, the University of Wyoming is in the state of Wyoming, which is most famous for its lousy weather and rednecks.
They don't call themselves the Cowboys for nothing. And the real reason they have that loaded cannon is in case the commies, or even the FBI, raids the state to take away all the firearms.
So don't sweat the 66-0 loss.
And in two seasons, mark my words, Hawaii will have a good football team.
Now leave me alone. I'm going home to watch a tape of Notre Dame pounding Purdue.