You can't really expect a newspaper to scan the answers to every crossword puzzle it plans to run to assure there are no insulting or offensive words hidden therein. But Honolulu's morning paper (our competition) is probably regretting that it didn't at least look at the first puzzle clue in the New York Times Crossword it ran Wednesday.
The clue was: "Axis flier in WWII headlines." Three letters. The answer: Jap.
When I first saw it, I hoped it was a mistake. It wasn't. The "down" clues confirmed it: Jazz pianist Ahmad (Jamal), Mistreat (Abuse) and Negative Attitude (Pessimism).
This term is so offensive to many Hawaii residents of all races and cultures that it is hard to believe it could pop up in a crossword puzzle in 1996. Even during World War II, the Star-Bulletin refused to use the term, out of sensitivity to Hawaii's many residents of Japanese ancestry.
I predict an apology forthcoming either from the newspaper or the syndicate that supplied the odious word play.
Monday's dead. Blame it on the heat wave. While a lot of people can do without Monday, our household will mourn a bit over Monday's passing.
Monday was a fish. Here's how Monday entered our lives: My wife, daughter and I went to a surprise birthday party a while back for Star-Bulletin staffer Helen Altonn. Table decorations included a fish bowl with two fish. Naturally, my daughter wanted to take them home. She named the fish Saturday and Sunday.
A few days later, my wife woke me up and said, "Charley, we have a Monday!" I said, "Urgle, furgle, flimbo, blimbo? Huh?" She said, "We have a Monday!" And showed me the little fish bowl. Sure enough, swimming around with Saturday and Sunday was a fish about the size of a comma.
"Saturday! You rascal!" I said. "You've been doing a little more than swimming lately. You're a daddy. Or Sunday, you're a daddy. Someone's a daddy."
Saturday and Sunday eventually passed away. (Sunday committed fishicide by jumping out onto the counter. Saturday apparently died of a broken heart.) Monday hung in there for a few months but the heat apparently was just too much. Monday was a good fish. Tuesday was a sad day.
Speaking of wildlife: my proposal to man a Homo sapiens exhibit at the Honolulu Zoo is under consideration by zoo officials. But they are having some big shindig there this month so the "Columnist Giganticus" exhibit can't materialize until until October.
The idea is to copy a Copenhagen experiment wherein a newspaper writer and acrobat are living in an apartment-like habitat to provide zoo-goers context to other animal exhibits. I want to do the same thing here, if only for a few days.
Initial reaction from the zoo has been positive, although no details have been worked out. A key issue will be whether beer will be allowed in my habitat. I think it should, if the exhibit is to be anthropologically correct. I mean, the snakes get live mice; lions get raw meat; a columnist, even in captivity, should get beer. Further reports later.
Finally, from the political front comes word that a 22-year-old Brazilian city council candidate promises to parade through town naked, covered only in paint, if voters elect her next month.
"It's not pornographic. This is political marketing," she said.
This is a scary precedent. We've all seen the major candidates for Honolulu mayor and prosecutor.
I think we can agree that none of these guys should be seen naked in public. In fact, the first one who promises not to disrobe has my vote.
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