Question: Mister, have you noticed that Bob Dole looks more tanned than Burt Reynolds? And he's smiling way too much. I mean, some people are smilers and others aren't. And Dole's not a smiler. Don't you think smiling makes him look, you know, kind of demented, huh?
Answer: So we have a violation of the Mr. Huh no-political question rule right out of the chute, eh? I'll let this one slide but that's gonna be it. To answer your question, yes, Mr. Dole seems to be abnormally tanned of late. My guess is that he's either been dipping into Liddy's makeup drawer or he keeps a can of Buster Brown shoe polish in his coat jacket. The cast of Baywatch doesn't have tans as dark as Dole's. I've also noticed that when he and Jack Kemp are standing on a windy podium, Dole's jowls flap back and forth like laundry on a clothes line but not a hair on Kemp's head moves. I think Kemp should rub a few swabs of whatever it is he's putting on his head on Dole's neck. That would solve the jiggling problem.
Question: Mister, you know, if you substituted the words "New Management" for "Fund Raiser," those little political ads in the newspaper would be identical to hostess bar ads. I mean, they all are offering heavy pupus, entertainment, refreshments and they all want to take your money. What's the difference, huh?
Answer: Man, doesn't anyone pay attention. No politics! This is the last political question I'm answering. The difference between a hostess bar and a political fund-raiser is that if you go to a hostess bar, you'll probably only get your leg rubbed.
Question: Mister, I see that Frank Fasi says that if he's elected mayor, he'll bring back the old police Metro Squads to "deal with punks." How exactly did those Metro squads "deal" with punks, huh?
Answer: All right. That's it. From now on, I'm taking only political questions. There. You happy? What members of Metro squads did that Fasi is so nostalgic about is beat the hell out of anyone they thought deserved a good licking. The theory is that if cops rough up street punks, the punks will see the error of their ways and become good citizens. Of course, you need only to look at the Rodney King case to realize that it doesn't work. King got a good thrashing, became a millionaire after suing the city and is still a punk. As much as we all yearn for the good ol' days when cops were cops and punks were punching bags, I don't think Honolulu could afford the legal bills.
Question: Mister, have you noticed all those commercials for machines that are supposed to give you abs of steel? It's like, all of a sudden, having a flat stomach is the most important thing in the world. I think those guys look weird. None of all great historical figures had abs of steel. Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein, Emily Dickinson, Buddha - none of them even knew what an ab was. How long will this silliness last, huh?
Answer: Wait a minute, buster. Don't you go dissin' my main poet Emily. She was a fox. And under all those petticoats and stuff, I'll bet she had a fine body. I grant you Buddha was no body-beautiful, but Churchill looked pretty good early on, before he started socking away all those English puddings. But since your question is not political, I'm not answering it.
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