Man, I'm keeping my television on those public access channels from now on. As an avid channel surfer with the attention span of a gnat on speed, I've been known to watch 15 or 16 different channels at once.
And even though we have more than 70 channels to choose from, I've found the entertainment offerings pathetically weak, even though they have channels on virtually every subject. They have a channel dedicated to endangered Boobies who live on remote Pacific atolls. They have channels devoted to large camping vehicles, like Winnebagos. They have the Clown Channel on which they present the best clown movies awards called Golden Bozos. They have the Humongous Honkers channel for people with abnormally large noses.
But it's almost impossible to find a channel with any good hard-core sex. I know, the Playboy channel has all kinds of sex stuff, but I've never paid for it, bub, and I'm not starting now. I'm not going to pay for a premium sex channel when there should be plenty of great, explicit sex for free on television.
The closest I've come to free sexual programming are those "Accent" infomercials, which sell those little thing-a-majigs that are supposed to make women look more robust in their body's upper quadrant. And we aren't talking automatic hair-braiders.
So you can imagine how badly I felt when I learned that while channel surfing the other day, I missed the big one. The Big Kahuna of television channel waves: a hard core, possibly pornographic presentation on one of our very own local public access channels went right past me. This sexual tsunami slipped through on Aug. 10 on 'Olelo, a film called "Blue Hail." Judging from the outcry from the few people who did see it, it must have been really something. Even the police department's Obscure Local Television Access Channel Indecent Material Enforcement Branch is checking to see if it truly was pornographic and if someone can be charged with a crime.
Now, I've often stopped on 'Olelo and caught snippets of local "art" films, usually produced by university students. They are pretty easy to find because every other word the actors utter rhymes with duck. But university students refuse to compromise their artistic integrity and so most of their dialogue is so raunchy it would make Martin Scorsese upchuck.
Of course, if someone eventually is charged with a crime, it won't be anyone connected with 'Olelo. After all, it is just protecting every American's right to free speech and bad taste and it is not in the business of censorship. Indeed, the staff of 'Olelo doesn't even screen what ends up on their channels for fear of appearing artistically unyielding, not to mention uncool. This has the ironic effect of forcing many clueless taxpayers who would never use words that rhyme with duck to actually finance programs that are habitats to literally flocks of such words. (Yes, our tax money goes to keep 'Olelo open to the masses. But it also goes to fuel the presidential campaign of Ross Perot, who needs my money like I need scurvy.)
Censorship, bad, says 'Olelo. The First Amendment rules. Diversity of thought is king. What is offensive to some is not offensive to others.
You can imagine what 'Olelo will say when the Hawaii Neo-Facist-Militia-Gay-Hating-Sex-With-Animals-Heroin-Legalization-Nazi Party decides to exercise its First Amendment right and spread some of its diverse ideas via 'Olelo.
I think it will rhyme with duck.
