Then the third telephone ring jarred me awake from the dream.
"Hall-ooo, kid! How's things in the Bahamas?"
There was no mistaking that gravelly voice. It was Uncle Al from Chicago.
Al, how many times do I have to tell you that I'm in Hawaii? And why do you keep calling me in the middle of the night?
"Better get some eyeglasses kid, or open your shades. The sun has been up for hours. In fact, your aunt has already left for work and I'm ready to crack open a beer. The ballgame will be on the tube in a little bit."
There's a five-hour time difference, Al. But that's OK. What do you think about the Bulls re-signing Dennis Rodman?
"Hey, kid, glad you brought up the subject. I have a great story idea for you, which I thought of with the Democratic Convention coming here and all. Bill Clinton's wife's name is Hillary Rodman Clinton, right? So why not check to see if she's a relative of Dennis Rodman. Sometimes they even have the same color hair."
IT'S Hillary Rodham Clinton, Al. But good try, anyway. What else is new with you?
"Well, kid. I bought your aunt a new weed-wacker for her birthday. I even tried it out, but I got the thing stuck on the neighbor's poodle. It was bad, kid, fur flying everywhere. The mutt is OK, though - and the yappy thing is sure a lot cooler now in the hot weather here. What are you covering, kid?"
I'm going to the Hawaiian Billfish Tournament, Al. It has some of the best marlin fishermen in the world.
"Heck, kid. We have carp in the Chicago River that are bigger than your marlins. They just don't have swords on their noses, even though I've seen a few with hubcaps stuck to their lips. In fact, our carp eat some of the rats that fall in the water down there - and the rats are as big as house cats. Remember your Uncle Anvil, kid? He has a rat he shot in an alley mounted over his fireplace. Nailed it with a .22. And I have a 50-pound stuffed carp hanging over the garage door. Your aunt won't let me put it in the den. She's mad because I said the thing looks like her high school yearbook picture. In fact, there's a dent in the stuffed carp from her cracking me over the head with it."
Gee, Al, those are some real outdoorsman tales.
"Hey, kid, how are the Fighting Pineapples looking with their new football coach, Fred Van Gogh?"
It's the Rainbows, Al, and the new coach is Fred vonAppen. They're practicing out at a place called Barbers Point.
"Good idea, kid. That way they can save money on haircuts for the team."
No, Al, it's a naval base.
"Is that so they'll be ready to get bombed this season, kid!"
Very funny, Al. I watched the Bears beat Miami last weekend. How did they look to you?
"Pretty good, kid. I can hardly wait to see the Dallas Cheerleaders, I mean Cowboys, in the Monday night season opener. Too bad Michael Erving is suspended and won't be playing. The grounds crew at Soldier Field was going to lay out a separate 50-yard line just for him to snort."
YOU'RE on a roll, Al. Did you see any of the Olympics?
"Yeah, some of it, kid. But your aunt wouldn't let me watch the women's gymnastics team after their first day. She said it was bad for my blood pressure. Boy, it was a shame that they didn't let Jerry Lewis run on our relay team."
That's Carl Lewis, Al.
"Oh yeah, Carl Lewis. Well, they both act kind of goofy. But I gotta go, kid. Your aunt will be coming home on her lunch break to fix me a sandwich. I hope she has time to fire up the weed-wacker before the ballgame starts. It makes too much noise when I'm trying to listen to Harry Caray.
"At least it keeps the neighbor's poodle from coming around."