First of all, my "yard" is a lava flow. That is, my house is perched on a hillside that apparently is an ancient tongue of lava. This makes landscaping quite an adventure. I never thought a jackhammer would be part of my yard-implement arsenal.
But as I've found out, the jackhammer is essential, especially when you accidentally come across a centipede the size of a rake. With the spade attachment on my jackhammer, I was able to quickly tock-tock-tock-tock the centipede into four equal sections faster than that guy on Yan Can Cook could have done with a cleaver. To my horror, the centipede sections then proceeded to flee north, east, south and west. That was when my long-handled, flat-scooper shovel came into play. I was able to splatter the scurrying arthropod units before they could escape and, I suppose, regroup. Having the right tools for the job is important to yard care.
For instance, I found out early that the standard pickax is useless on a semi-vertical yard like mine. Yes, there is something resembling dirt there. But it is only there to hide to solid lava. I found this out the first time I swung the pickax - with all my might - into what I supposed was regular old dirt only to have it meet the lava with a quite amazing result. A tremor began at the metal end of the ax and traveled up the wooden handle where the energy was transferred into my hands. The tremor then shook through my arms and traveled throughout my entire body until I was suspended horizontally to the ground, vibrating like a 220-pound tuning fork with my teeth chattering and my eyeballs knocking around in the sockets like marbles in a whiskey tumbler. That pretty much did it for yard work that day. In fact, I don't think I stopped vibrating for a week.
That's when I began looking for a jackhammer. And I found a little electric beauty. It cost $500 but the guy at the store assured me it would pay for itself, seeing as how it costs $75 a day to rent one. And, he added, all my neighbors of the male variety would be jealous to learn that I own a jackhammer.
He was right. Owning a jackhammer puts you in a category of yard warrior that used to be reserved for guys who own their own chain saws. Now, everyone has a chain saw, even men who live in condos. I have a nifty little 16-inch electric chain saw. (The size of yard implements is important, you see.) I also have a weed-eater that can cut through telephone poles. So you can imagine that when I put on my golf shoes (essential slope footwear) on a sunny Saturday and arm myself with my jackhammer, chain saw and weed-eater, the neighbors know I mean business.
They also know there's a good chance that I'm going to hurt myself.
The problem with using heavy-duty yard machines instead of manually operated picks and shovels is the ability to do quick, serious bodily harm.
For instance, I discovered that when using even a small chain saw, it is important not to hold it in one hand and slash through branches as if you are brandishing a machete. Once I nicked the palm of my free hand with the saw, just enough to cut a shallow furrow where the life-line had been. Luckily I wasn't hurt badly. But I realized that I had come within centimeters of having to learn how to write columns using only letters on the right side of the keyboard. (I+ migh+ look plinty phunny, mon.)
So far I haven't jackhammered any of my piggies to market or into the neighbor's yard. But the weather seems to be holding and that's a bad sign. Like all weekend yard warriors, I'm praying for rain.
