Guys just wanna have fun,
says Dave Barry.

Barry, a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for The Miami Herald whose new book is the "Complete Guide to Guys," likes to use the word booger a lot in creating his art which, he happily admits, consists, essentially, of hanging around the house and eating lunch while he writes.

Barry does have favorite themes, and shifts emphasis while employing patented idiomatic constructions and catch phrases such as, "I'm not making this up," in a dazzling display of conservation of matter. A story about the relationship between men and their underpants might pay particular attention to men in one version and put the stress on underpants in the next.

We caught up with Barry at his Miami home after he had just returned from the Olympics and was preparing to head for the GOP Convention in San Diego.

DB: Guys don't; guys don't care. Guys basically consider themselves perfect, which is why guys will walk around with a 3-foot of butt crack showing and still consider themselves total studly gods.

The guide is for women. If there's one message in the book, it's for women to lower their standards. Women have to stop thinking that they really will find a guy who is basically like them but hairier and deep down inside have some depth of emotion, feeling and concern. The point of the book is, "No we don't! Guys are pathetic.

SB: Do guys want to be this way?

DB: Oh yeah, we're very happy. Guys are very non-introspective, sort of like a Labrador retriever only with less of an ability to form a lasting commitment. We don't see a need to change. It's up to women to accept that and stop thinking in terms of Phil Donahue and more in terms of a hamster.

SB: Is the Olympics a guy thing or manly thing?

DB: Mostly a guy thing though they try to make it look manly and important. The truth is we're talking about who can jump over a bar or throw a metal ball the farthest. These are not really things that will contribute to the overall improvement of mankind.

SB: Is the Olympics strange?

DB: Have you seen rhythmic gymnastics or synchronized swimming? They always tell us how hard these things are. My reaction is knee surgery is also very hard, but I don't want to watch it on television.

SB: How about the Republican convention?

DB: That's several cuts below rhythmic gymnastics. Nothing happens at the conventions, even more so this year. What do the Democrats have to decide? Well, I guess we'll stick with Bill Clinton and Al Gore? That's a tough call.

SB: Are the conventions a guy thing or manly thing?

DB: Definitely a dork thing. They're extended pep rallies but nobody has much pep. All the signs are printed somewhere else and all the excitement is manufactured to occur between commercials on the television show.

SB: Are Dole and Clinton guy guys?

DB: Pretty much. Politicians in general are guys. They're pretty shallow, they like to do stuff, have very short attention spans, like to ride around in limos and make commitments daily and break them daily.

SB: When is it OK for a guy to hug another guy?

DB: If the guys have had 80 or 90 beers and they hold each other up. But that's not real affection, they're just throwing up on each other. OK, if they've just won the world series and they're both wearing protective cups. And it was OK for Al Pacino to hug his brother Fredo in 'The Godfather' to let him know that for legitimate business reasons he had to have him whacked. That was an acceptable hug.

SB: But what does a guy do if another guy suddenly hugs you?

DB: First you yell 'Whoa.' But it's legitimate if you're giving a guy a noogie. That's not an official hug, more of a hold. And there's a credible purpose being served there.

SB: Is there an ultimate guy?

DB: No. But there are things that guys do every now and then that I deeply admire. There's these guys in Texas who are building a giant catapult. They call it 'The Thor Project.' They want to throw a Buick 200 yards. They built a smaller one that throws toilets and bowling balls. God, they're just such guys. It might even be more guylike if they never finish building it. The point is they've now spent three years on this which means even if they don't finish it's time well spent for a guy.

SB: Are columnists guys or men?

DB: Definitely guys. Journalists to begin with are incredibly immature and have very short attention spans. And columnists are the least committed of all journalists. They don't have beats, don't have facts, they have nothing. We know that sooner or later the grown-up police will come around and say, 'Wait a minute you have to get a job.'

SB: Am I a guy or a man?

DB: No question you're a guy or you'd have something actually important to do with this time.

What: Dave Barry speaks
When: 8:30 p.m. Saturday
Where: Manele Bay Hotel's Lanai Conference Center, on Lanai
Admission: Free
Information: 1-(800)-321-4666