That's a helluva hard motto to live by when you are a professional writer.
The truth is that few of us can resist putting our thoughts down on paper - or on a video monitor - especially when we're ticked off. The "angry letter" is as much a part of American literature as are plays, books and essays.
The problem is that most people don't really know how to compose a devastating letter of complaint. But that may be a thing of the past, thinks Mike Morton, who is better known for creating anagrams for every occasion. (Mike Morton is "No Trim Moke," according to fellow anagramist Dave Donnelly.)
While slogging through the Internet, Morton came across "The Automatic Complaint-letter Generator" home page at www.csag.cs.uiuc.edu/individual/pakin/complaint.
This is the perfect computer program for the writing-impaired.
You tell the computer who you want to complain about and it spits out an insulting letter using words that are guaranteed to cause the recipient to run to a dictionary to figure out how offended he or she should be.
I tested the program on my dog, Boomer, who has been getting on my nerves lately. Here are some excerpts of the letter the computer came up with.
"I feel that it is my duty to respond to Boomer's actions. We must worry about two kinds of perfidious imbeciles: cranky and raving. Boomer is among the former. His ideas have no redeeming value. We can divide his philippics into three categories: unscrupulous, fickle and oppressive. Boomer spews nothing but lame retorts and innuendos. One final point, Boomer invents problems in order to provide himself with an excuse for making a fuss."
Well! There is so much truth buried in this letter that it seems more like a doggy psychologist's report than a random group of words coughed up by a machine. This computer program beats out any of those fake television psychics, hands down.
IT isn't 100 percent correct. For instance, it says, "Boomer spews nothing but lame retorts and innuendoes," when, really, he's known for spewing all kinds of things, usually on the deck.
But otherwise, it's right on target.
Boomer is an expert at inventing problems in order to make a fuss. Presently, chewing the arms off Barbie dolls is his favorite invention for trouble.
Dividing Boomer's "philippics" is a bit harder to do, since I had no clue what a "philippic" is. According to the dictionary, Philippi is an ancient city in Macedonia where in 42 B.C. Marc Antony and Octavius defeated Brutus and Cassius. This is surprising, since I didn't know that the World Wrestling Federation was that old. The dictionary also says that "philippics" are "any of the orations of Demosthenes against Philip, King of Macedon."
Bestowing a poi dog with "philippics" might be going a bit too far. While Boomer can sit on command and grasps the general idea of "shaking hands," I suspect he knows little of the orations of Demosthenes.
He definitely is fickle in his loyalty. When I walk in the house, he'll jump all over me as if to say I am the most important thing in his life. A second later, he'll do the same thing to some stranger selling Watchtowers.
As far as oppressive goes, well, until you've been awakened by a big whiff of dog breath in the morning, you don't know what oppression means.
The thing is, now that I have this insulting letter guaranteed to set Boomer straight, I'm not sure I want to send it. He's actually a pretty good dog and I'd hate to hurt his feelings. So I guess I'll do what you generally should after writing a nasty letter: delete it.
